am not satisfied with the metaphor in this piece. I know you can do better if you have more time sir.

It seems that you use less metaphors in your normal writes,
Now when they are required there is a shortage of them.
I use words and colour things with all shades, you will have to let us know which is the correct way of poetry.
I prefer the one with Many Metaphors as there in the extra words are the subtle shades that artists put on their paintings.
I remember going into the art gallery of Ottawa and on the wall was a series of canvases all with just one colour on, well this is like metaphors you have to put your own colours in there.
I was shown an art Gallery once that was futuristic I thought, there were frames on the walls and just a title at the bottom, and as I read the title there on the blank canvass a picture emerged, it was as the artist would tell me what they were trying to show me.
Too much ! the mind boggled but it was a beauty beyond words.
Our poetry needs those canvasses, we have to leave a thought there, that gives each one that sees, the experience, of what we are trying to put over to the reader.
Maybe you need a good Thesaurus, have you tried "Rogets International Edition".
Enough Ian it is late!
Thanks again for your visit, Yours as always Ian..