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Incantations

Submitted by China Blue on Tue, 2010-11-09 11:02

One single voice cries in the night
Bless me Father for I have sinned
I’ve traded my soul
For one night of lust

Another answers
To whom do you pray
To save what is now mine

Amid the writhing creatures chants
The vile stench of the dead and dying
Permeates her nostrils
As gasps for air are heard
To what end have I come
All for the sake of wanting
Was it worth
This!

Incantations to the Dark One
Rise as I fall
Deeper and deeper

My eye lids open to a darkened room
Suddenly the flames rise in my unlit fireplace
Was I dreaming
I ask, as chills play tag along my spine

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Just an idea running amok in my head

Comments

Rett

Tue, 2010-11-09 12:43

Rett's picture

Powerful write my friend! Great imagery and story here. I loved it. I can't think of any improvements at the moment.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

Race_9togo

Tue, 2010-11-09 12:44

Race_9togo's picture
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I needed punctuation,
double quotes
and question marks,
commas and exclamation points
and colons:
I love the thought,
I love the imagery as well,
but putting it all
in present tense
would give the piece
so much more impact.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Race_9togo

Tue, 2010-11-09 13:32

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yah, it's permissable to lose the punctuation...but I still miss it!

Tense

"Amid the writhing creatures chants
The vile stench of the dead and dieing
Permeated her nostrils
As the gasping for air was heard"

Permeated is past tense

"As the gasping for air WAS heard"

"Permeates her nostrils
as gasps for air are heard"

I think they would fit better in the present, imo.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

judyanne

Wed, 2010-11-10 13:40

judyanne's picture
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i really enjoyed it
i actually like the lack of punctuation except for the exclamation mark
very effective

love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Candlewitch

Tue, 2010-11-30 13:33

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Very intense... even eddy styx felt the tingling of the spine!

love, cat

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scribbler

Tue, 2010-11-30 22:17

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What a write on the wages of sin ! Sneakily sinister yet obviously powerful.................scribbler

magics02

Wed, 2010-12-01 07:59

This is really good and I see the nightmare all too well in this one. Great job here Chris and blessings to you and Lonnie

Love,Mona
xox

Kailashana2

Wed, 2010-12-01 08:11

Chrys, I applaud your poetry of recent. It's as though you've broken free...

Smashing poem! Chills indeed.

~A

p.s. I also love your new name..

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