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Immortal Martyr

Submitted by raj on Sat, 2018-05-12 15:43

I was captivated
by those tearful eyes
soon they consumed me
to become mine

they were brimming with pride and sorrow
of a war widow for her knight
returning home as a martyr

with a solemn tribute disguised in her tears
she laid him to rest in the cockles of her heart

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Rula

Sun, 2018-05-13 03:09

Rula's picture
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A different take of the military memories which makes it distinguished as are all your works. I wish that you would rework some few things and enter it. We are all writing for fun here. Winning comes in the second place so please don't hesitate.

Back to the poem, I thought the use of the pronoun "they" is a bit confusing in the second as well as third stanzas.
Does it refer back to "the eyes" or the "tears"?

I also thought "Martys never Die" is another good title for this piece.... just saying:)
V. much like it

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raj

Sun, 2018-05-13 04:49

thanks for the read and query about context of "they"...whether it is a reference to the tears or eyes...

actually "they" represent both eyes as well as tears but leaning more towards tears which are an icon of emotion....don't know if you agree with this explanation....however since you as a reader was confused, i will see if i can fix it with some alternatives...

thanks for a suggestion about title too...i may go for Immortal Martyr..what do you think about that?
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

gregwa8

Sun, 2018-05-13 16:48

gregwa8's picture

found a new idiom! "cockles of the heart." :) i like the emotion of this piece. pride and sorrow are a complex mix of emotions, so appropriate for this piece. i like the irony of "returning home as a martyr," because he's coming back to his wife, as an immortal in her heart, but in reality he's not returning, only in spirit or in heart or in meaningful tears shed for many years after.

raj

Mon, 2018-05-14 02:12

thanks for the read . Your comment makes me happy because you connected very well with the written and unwritten words.
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

OriginalRhyku

Sat, 2018-06-23 16:50

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raj

Mon, 2018-05-14 02:10

for taking time to read and comment. It is appreciated.
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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