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I-95
I went down south up to North Caroline,
Curving through straight lines dotted on I-95,
Swerving between feeling ok and losing my mind,
Just trying to leave my tattered troubles behind,
And far away.
I packed a light bag with a heavy mind,
Spurning thoughts churned up from deep inside,
I flew in my car on the ground just killing time,
Just trying to get away from everything close behind,
For maybe a day.
I went down south up to North Caroline,
Wheeling a drive in the summer sunshine,
Tires squealing to reach that NC state line,
Feeling the world would be feather light and fine,
And all would be ok.
I carried with me the weight of all my sorrow,
I had lost the hope of every tomorrow,
I had run out of favor that I could borrow,
So I took off on my way to escape,
I took off on my way to escape,
Never to make it back home.
I went up north down to South Caroline,
Leaving behind palm trees and sunshine,
Weaving through traffic cones over the line,
Believing again I could leave them behind,
Maybe if just for a day,
If only just for one day.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2024-03-20 22:23
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "I-95" presents a vivid journey, both physical and emotional, using a variety of poetic devices. The repetition of certain phrases and lines, such as "I went down south up to North Caroline," and "Just trying to leave my tattered troubles behind," creates a rhythmic pattern that mirrors the monotony of a long drive and the recurring thoughts that accompany it. This technique also emphasizes the speaker's desire for escape and their struggle to leave their troubles behind.
The use of paradoxical phrases like "I went down south up to North Caroline" and "I flew in my car on the ground" adds a layer of complexity to the poem, reflecting the speaker's conflicted state of mind. However, the consistent use of this technique throughout the poem might risk confusing the reader and diluting the impact of these paradoxes.
The poem could benefit from more specific imagery and sensory details to create a stronger sense of place and deepen the reader's understanding of the speaker's emotional state. For example, instead of the general "summer sunshine," the poet could describe the heat of the sun on the speaker's skin or the glare of the light on the road.
Lastly, the final stanza introduces a new location, "South Caroline," which is not mentioned earlier in the poem. This sudden shift might be disorienting for the reader. If "South Caroline" is intended to represent a significant change in the speaker's journey or state of mind, this could be clarified with additional context or explanation.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
Thu, 2024-03-21 12:08
I-95
Hello, and welcome!
So very clever. I felt the weight of the travels "down" - the negative, the heavy, and the painful. Emotions, not literal direction, leading the way. And likewise, the trip "up" filled with the hope to replenish and leave behind the sorrows. It's been some time since I have driven on I-95, but I can understand how this poem was developed. Very nice title.
Thank you!
Lavender
Anderclunk
Tue, 2024-03-26 13:16
Thank You
Thank you for your thoughtful review of “I-95”. I appreciate your feedback. I enjoy hearing the different nuances of meaning that different readers pick up on. I will be sure to check out your writings soon!
Thanks again,
Anderclunk
author commentLavender
Tue, 2024-03-26 15:01
You are...
most welcome!
L