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Hello (Haiku)

Submitted by Ian.T on Sat, 2012-06-02 16:58

Haiku

Ladies day I walk
Midday sun no shadow thrown
A summertime home

Haiku

There is a deep hole
Where the water is well down
Drop bucket to fill

Haiku

The leaf twisted off
Fell to the hard frozen ground
The shadows grew long

Haiku

Water fell in space
Rainbow above holding all
beauty of a mist

Senyru

Many bad pains felt
A bonding that makes you cry
Tiny hands reach out

Senyru

Love on empty ears
Failed feelings gone, are wasted
No more can I give

Senyru

Fat feeder eats much
Cholesterol clogs old veins
Sharp pain felt in chest

All the Senyru's are in the form of Haiku later we are going to do proper Senyru so pay attention LOL, Yours Ian.T

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Just the first of the required four Haiku for a workshop I have heard about. When the workshop starts I need a head start LOL, Yours Ian Just written the other three for the workshop, La La Sparrow..
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Workshop: 
Working With Japanese Poetry

Comments

raj

Sun, 2012-06-03 08:11

nice Haiku collection Ian

raj (sublime_ocean)

Ian.T

Sun, 2012-06-03 08:56

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Thanks very much these are for the Haiku workshop starting 12-6 are you going to join ?????, Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
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Rett

Sun, 2012-06-03 13:41

Rett's picture

Very nice Haiku's. Do I notice the syllable count off in Hello? First line I think. Also, on water, since There's is pronounced as one syllable, you might want to delete the contraction and use "There is" instead. Once more in Bad Diet. The second line syllable count is off. "Cholesterol counts as 4 syllable only leaving 3 more to work with.
Just some suggestions my friend. Lovely though!

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

Ian.T

Sun, 2012-06-03 13:52

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Well what a lovely surprise seeing yourself here, I hope that you all are well at home..
Thank you for the syllable check that is one thing I am very bad at..
I have corrected all the lines you spoke of it wasn't too bad for me to get this far with Haiku's, I will try harder in the next part of the workshop..
Great to hear from you Yours as always Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Rett

Sun, 2012-06-03 14:03

Rett's picture

My best to you and yours. I suddenly found myself with a little spare time. LOL I get to read some poetry and comment for a change! I try to read a few every week, but lately just haven't had the time to both read and comment. Good to see your poetry. I like Haikus, just haven't written many for posting.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

Barbara Writes

Sun, 2012-06-03 18:47

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Nice I like them all. One thing I like to point out is that " Hello, Love, and Bad Debt " is more so senyru human sentiment instead of haiku nature in essence.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Ian.T

Mon, 2012-06-04 04:28

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Thanks for your fast comment here, now it took a lot for me to sort out the correct syllable count and format for these four lol now I have to go and find a theme that is nature, there is no pleasing some people lol.
"Hello" is where a child bonds with its Mother very natural lol, so can I have two out of four for theme, "Haiku" I will replace those Senyru two and save them for later. Give me a couple of minutes and I will fix, Yours Ian.T

PS:- I thought that a bad "Diet" was a natural thing LOL

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Barbara Writes

Mon, 2012-06-04 11:58

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Haiku is usually seasonal, it don't have to be seasonal. It can be anything about nature just as you have cleverly done here. The Senyru have it here, so does the Haiku. I like these new ones. My only tit for tat is with this one
I walked dry no tears
Midday sun no shadow thrown
A summertime death
This one is more Senyru than Haiku. It has good Haiku in it as well as Senyru. But ;) imo This is more about you than nature.
So this is what I want to add, that the first line could be slightly reworded to direct attention to the essence of nature rather than yourself just as you have done with the other well written ones here and I love them all.
One more tiny itty bitty thing. Will you put your four Haiku first under the Haiku title, and then put your three Senyru after them under its title Senyru. I would really appreciate that. You have done the first two steps nicely.
You are off to the races and in the lead. You made it to Haiku, proceeded to Senyru, now you're on your way to Tanka. Once you get to Renga you're wait for the everybody else to play Round Robin.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Ian.T

Mon, 2012-06-04 18:20

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I have sorted the Haiku's out from the others and changed the first one a little now it talks of Ladies day which is very near mid summer day on the Equator.
I will have a look at the other styles as soon as there is space.
Thanks for your help with these, have a lovely day out there,
Yours, Ian . Itsibashi La La

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

judyanne

Mon, 2012-06-04 05:25

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which is the preference haiku - considered the ultimate. and your 'water' is one imho
just a coulpe of changes for more implication of the drought times

when the hole is deep
and the water is well down
drop bucket to fill

imo
Hello! - senryu

Love - senryu

Bad Diet - senryu

The Fall - haiku
but
'The leaf twisted off
Fell softley to the hard frozen ground' - typo 'softley' (softly) and this line also has nine syllables....
The shadows grew long'

Waterfall - haiku

a couple of things
eastern is usually written with no punctuation with the exception of proper nouns

and - someone please correct me if i am wrong - but as far as i know, the title is supposed to be the first line
eg

'water fell in space (haiku)

water fell in space
rainbow above holding all
beauty of a mist'

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Ian.T

Mon, 2012-06-04 05:49

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Thank you for your great response to this write, I have brought the frozen ground to Seven.
Not sure about the Hello piece as it is the birth of a child and bonding , well I could say that it both Haiku and Senryu, I put the title in on the pieces as it seemed easier to read if you knew before what it was about..
Now Damn it I have to write another about seasons for the four pieces, hold on a second or two, Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

judyanne

Mon, 2012-06-04 06:01

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one is supposed to have the 'ahh' effect without the title - the title should not give that away,
that is - the poem is supposed to tell you it is 'a waterfall' for example, not the title
(as far as i know lol)
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Ian.T

Mon, 2012-06-04 06:04

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Thanks, I think that you are correct and there is no need for titles so I have taken them all away lol.
Many more thanks for your great response to my writing,
Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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