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Haiku (Revised)
flirting playfully
droplets of dewy diamonds
charm her rosy blush
thanks to comments by Judyanne and Ann i wrecked up my brains to come up with this revision and got rid of the original title
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Rett
Sun, 2012-06-03 13:33
Well done, raj
Complete thought, excellent imagery, correct syllable count. All in all, excellent.
Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin
raj
Sun, 2012-06-03 14:58
Thank you Rett for taking
Thank you Rett for taking time to read and comment...good to know i got it right...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentloved
Sun, 2012-06-03 15:05
you great poet have been marked
absent since long howz
mumbai?? and you
great poet ur
loved
raj
Sun, 2012-06-03 15:16
Me not great Loved...on a
Me not great Loved...on a learning curve always...thanks for visiting..
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentloved
Sun, 2012-06-03 22:38
kkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk cc uuuuuuuuuuu222222222
loved
judyanne
Mon, 2012-06-04 09:56
this fits the criteria for
this fits the criteria for haiku to me raj
better - it hints at the approach of spring without using a season word – and, to my limited knowledge, that is one of the aims of the form
it forms the thought/ picture with the first two lines, then joins the thought of the first two with an ‘ahh/ shock’ moment - the satori
the only crit I have is with the title
now I may well be wrong, and we’ll see if anyone is kind enough to tell me so…but it is my understanding that the title of a haiku/ senryu is either simply ‘haiku’, or the first line followed by ‘haiku’ in brackets
eg, yours should be
‘perched perilously (haiku)’
- now this loses you the chance of telling what the poem is about with different words in the title… the idea being that the whole thought is to be 17 syllables or less…
(with your title you use 19)
see what I mean?
I think with a little work you could intimate the dew drop into the work
regardless, I really like the vision this gives me
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Nordic cloud
Mon, 2012-06-04 11:17
Like the idea
I don't think a haiku ever has a title,
and this would lose the dew drop completely without it!
"perched perilously
it sparkled like a diamond
momentarily"
perched perilously
momentarily it sparkled
dew drop diamond
No I'm just playing
a diamond sparkles
perched perilously
dew drop
This last one I think is more in the sense of a haiku,
trying to make the lines the right length, in English,
when the original language for them is Japanese
sometimes makes their contrived results
totally loose the essence of the haiku
eg:- Buson
On the temple bell
resting, asleep
A butterfly
or the famous one by Basho (The master)
The ancient pond
a frog jumps in
the sound of water
As you see in translation they loose the syllable count,
as to loose the spirit of the haiku would leave it without its poetic power.
I am butting in to a workshop,'scuse I
Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
judyanne
Mon, 2012-06-04 11:30
my favourite
green frog
is your body also
freshly painted?
(Akutagawa, Ryunosuke)
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
raj
Mon, 2012-06-04 15:11
Hi Judyanne & Ann
thanks for taking the time to read and your thoughtful comment...in fact you caught me red handed lol because i was uncomfortable in giving it a title but as you read me correctly ...i.e.., i did it because without the title the haiku may not be comprehensible...i agree wholeheartedly that i would need to try out various combinations as suggested by Ann which i will definitely try to do and hopefully achieve to capture the essence without a title...
please keep critiquing my efforts...which is always welcome...
much love..
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentloved
Mon, 2012-06-04 21:13
MY REGRETS and apologies
Diamonds
are the hardest of hardest
will a liquidification description be appropriate??
The original was good enough
it gave some imagination
to dews
as a variety of droplets .
loved
raj
Mon, 2012-06-04 23:25
your opinion noted. however i
your opinion noted. however i will stay with my poetic perception...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentloved
Tue, 2012-06-05 08:52
That's it Each one must behave as an entity
if all of us thought alike
there would be no creativity ,
but still , despite your liquidity
I have to wish you to maintain
an identity
liquid diamonds... not withstanding
loved
raj
Tue, 2012-06-05 15:12
thanks for sharing your
thanks for sharing your opinion...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author comment