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Glitch
The ocean cannot quench,
And rain doesn't drown,
But a lungful of water,
You end up in the ground.
When clouds spew lightning,
Soon after thunder lurks.
The manliest are startled,
Kids share their waterworks.
Nothing really known,
Yet wiki scholars all around,
Nothing actually sown,
Yet weeds ubiquitously found.
The eggs started to hatch,
But the chicken remains frozen.
The light inside is broken,
But the fridge is still working.
Clutch ice for too long,
and it starts to burn,
Milk's still in the udder,
But it starts to turn.
Be punished for wanting freedom,
Get rewarded for turning tricks.
Is this the final kingdom,
Or just a glitch in the matrix.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
scribbler
Tue, 2015-03-10 23:18
Hello
Seems there are in increasing number of glitches showing up over the past few years lol. Liked your poem but stanza 4 really needs to rhyme so it'll match the rest. Kudos for managing to work "ubiquitously" in ..................stan
Esker
Wed, 2015-03-11 23:05
I like bright..I like clever..
paragraph breaks..the handling of this.
capitals ryhmn
thank you!
emogothgirl
Fri, 2015-03-13 13:19
i like the idea
the only thing that bugs me is all of your punctuation. alas, it may be due to a guy i knew (he annoyed the crap out of me) always used at least ONE ellipsis for dramatic effect in almost every single sentence he ever put down. gosh he was a weenie. ANYWAY don't mind me, but i'd say try to save up your punctuation for where it really needs to be, that way it makes much more of an impact.
Mag
wesley snow
Fri, 2015-03-13 18:13
We haven't met.
Welcome (belated), I'm Wesley.
Liked the poem, but like Mag said, there are too many unnecessary ellipses'.
A simple period will suffice.
I'll try to have a look at something else you've offered and pick on it.
Hope you don't mind.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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eliminist
Sat, 2015-03-14 09:41
Hi Wesley and Mag,
Hi Wesley and Mag,
Thanks for the suggestion about the punctuation, and I am glad you liked the piece.
Cheers
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