Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Face Of The Enemy
So we meet again,
Enemy of mine.
This time you'll feel pain,
and glory be mine
Too many victories
you have stolen
Too many dreams
lay forsaken
I will break free
from the cycle of defeat
I will spit at you
as you bleed
The face that you hide
behind a veil of secrecy,
shall be revealed tonight
when I reclaim my dignity
In the stage of mind,
two mights collide
and there you'll find
Fate taking sides
Who will fall?
Who will rise?
Who will crawl?
Who will stand with pride?
So it is
Fate has decreed
The triumphant one
is finally me
Let Truth be revealed!
I pulled away his veil
and stared at the face,
once concealed...
What trickery is this?
How could he be me?
He appears to be
another version of me
In time I realize,
he is really me
the bane of my pride
my own negativity
He is my self-doubt,
my impatience and my fear
By confronting him
I can build a brighter future...
For the greatest conquest
one can make
is the conquest of oneself
Comments
Race_9togo
Mon, 2014-02-03 21:55
Hello
I like the title,
language use is all right, rhythm is good, I like the theme, its a bit simplistic but it works with the rhyme you've used, and the internal logic is consistent, you stay on track and don't stray from topic.
To improve this, consider the tense you are using. For example:
"Let Truth be revealed!
I pulled away his veil
and stare at the face,
once concealed..."
In this stanza, the third line is present tense, while the others are all past tense. This makes things a little confusing, and therefore choppy and stuttering.
Also, in thme 11th verse, try re-writing to make the lines rhyme the way that they do in the rest of the poem.
Like the ending very much, by the way.
This is good, I look forward to seeing its revision.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
alidzain
Tue, 2014-02-04 19:57
Jim
Thank you for the comment. I have changed ' he stands for" to" the bane of my pride". Should I change "in time to "then"? What do you think if I change the 11th verse to this:-
He is my self-doubts,
my impatience and my fear
the ever present conflicting thoughts
in my past, present and future
my only problem with this one is that the last verse will sound awkward..lost the connection. between them. Any suggestions?
Alid
Race_9togo
Tue, 2014-02-04 20:41
Alid,
Yes, I really like the change you made in the 11th verse, you only changed a single line, but completely brought the verse in with the rest, in terms of cadence. And I like the meaning of the verse as well, with this change.
No, I would not change "In time", because that would change the rhythm right there at the start of the stanza, and you've got it down, with the change you have already made. Also, "In time" implies a struggle with the truth, and a gradual, inevitable acceptance of it, which I like very much.
The 11th verse.
I see what you mean about losing the connection. I like the message of the original couplet at the end, but it would be cut off from the rest of the poem, sort of left hanging on its own. So I don't think a complete re-write of the verse is a good idea, after all.
Perhaps just a simple edit, and an extra line? something like
"He is my self-doubt,
my impatience and my fear
By confronting him
I can build a bright future,
For the greatest conquest
one can make
is the conquest of oneself"
this way, you don't lose the meaning, and the last line of the 11th verse, coupled with the modified cadence of the last verse, keeps the connection between the two, and brings the end of the poem to a smoother, more focused conclusion.
Does this help?
I hope so. This getting good.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
alidzain
Tue, 2014-02-04 21:52
Jim
Hey, thank you, man. You are a big help. Done the edit.
God bless
Alid
Ian.T
Tue, 2014-02-04 19:11
Alid
This poem if edited correctly would belong in the top poems I have read for theme, for such a long time Excellent.
Just listen to the advise you have for this one and it will become great, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
raj
Wed, 2014-02-05 03:34
Alid
As Jim and Ian have commented above, the theme is excellent. the content expresses the venom/ and a sense of unease as one reads through verse after verse. As Jim has said, you need to re-look at the tense. I liked the mystery which gets solved in the final few stanzas, when the reader realizes that it is a fight/war is with self doubt. I had suggested in a comment on one of your poems that you tend to undermine your self. It is good to see you are dealing with it in a positive way. I wish you really re-conquer that positive spirit. I will come back to see what edits you have made...
well done Alid...i really enjoyed the read..
Regards,
raj
raj (sublime_ocean)
alidzain
Wed, 2014-02-05 04:39
Hi Raj
In fact the other reason why I write this poem is because of that comment. I keep thinking about what you've said and I
told myself that while I want to improve, I need to take my time and not just rush in this learning journey. A hairy worm didn't turn into a butterfly in a blink of an eye. (yes, Kavita's poem is very interesting, isn't it?)
Glad you liked it, Raj.
Alid
raj
Wed, 2014-02-05 05:13
Alid
Yes Kavita's poem is interesting and draws our attention to a phenomenon about how change and transformation takes place. I am sure you are undergoing a metamorphosis of sorts and will emerge through it to re-discover the poetic glow which all of us can see is lurking inside you. I am sure with patience and continual efforts you will re-discover the free flow...Neopet offers us that opportunity when our friends comment and critique our writes with good intentions....
regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Wed, 2014-02-05 13:15
Bravo!!
Love what you are doing here. It's always great to read your thoughts about different lively issues. This is indeed a good one.
a few things need your attention here,
S2 L1..."Too many victory" ..................[too many victories]?
S4 L4 "when I reclaimed my dignity"...........[reclaim]
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
alidzain
Wed, 2014-02-05 18:05
Hi Rula
Thanks for the comment. The next poem, "Listen" is another one packed with emotions. It is also my way of dealing with what is currently happening to a very close friend.
After writing that poem, I am planning to explore a different type of poem. I have my eyes on 'haiku' and 'Imagery'.
something more gentle and peacefuL, .not as dark but hopefully just as beautiful. I am thinking of using Ian's "New Woods" and Mand's "Papa Autumn" as a source of referrence. I have this list of ideas which is nagging at me. :-
Little Mouse's Adventure
Sunrise
Mother
Smile
Love is..
Poetry to me
Scary People
Lessons From A Baby
Thank you, Allah
No doubt that some of them will not be written until I have a proper idea how to put them into words.
Someone reminded me that a poem reflects the poet's heart. I have been focusing too much on the angry side.Now I must find my balance again. Maybe I'll be writing them and the dark ones alternately..
Alid
raj
Wed, 2014-02-05 22:17
Hi Alid
It is good to see that you have your mind focused on trying out different styles of poetry..Ian has already provided with some tips...so have a go and let your ideas flow...
warm regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Ian.T
Wed, 2014-02-05 18:54
Alid a play on words
Little mouse climbs up.
Does the clock strike him at one
or is it his kin.
Sunrise a new dawn
Clouds evaporate at the touch
Yet dewdrops glitter
Mother of my life
Sweet angel each day and night
I learned to live
Smile well from within
It warms even the cold day
Should it touch me
Love is a burden
To those that cannot find it
Find it free yourself
Poetry to me
Is an expression of words
Taken from the heart
Scary people fear
The quiet of the evening
Should they be alone
Let me tell you now
Lessons from a baby cry
Teaches us so much
Thank you, Allah
I shall leave this one for you to write,
take care most of these are Senryu,
Haiku usually has something to do with the four seasons.
These Senryu are just for fun and I await you finding your own lol.
The one about a mouse is reference to a Nursery Rhyme,
"Dickory, Dickory, Dock"
Just have fun and by what I see you are learning fast,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
alidzain
Wed, 2014-02-05 20:35
Thanks, Ian
Thanks for the encouraging words.I think I'll try Senryu before I try to write any Haiku. Wish me luck, Ian
Alid
alidzain
Wed, 2014-02-05 22:36
Hi, everyone
At last, I managed to squeeze my mind and come up with the words for "Sunrise." Its my first imagery nature type of poem after a long, long, time.. Trying to input Wesley's teaching on the subject is not easy but I believed I have done my best in this. I am happy that I have decided not to give up on it after I have read some of your poems. This is a far-from-perfect poem but I am really proud of it. I hope you will enjoy it and can offer more suggestions so that I can improve.I'll be waiting for your comments...
Thank you for being an inspiration to me, my friends..
Alid