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Days before my funeral
That bullet landed 3 inches away from my heart
Nearly if not almost killed me
Roses delivered to me fresh on a daily
I swear you could’ve said I was loved
Clown performances
Gifts and smiles from strangers I only knew by name
Extended time and to my bells ringing
Dark colorful nights
And glittery days
Exhibited before my funeral
All faded the night
The pastor sealed the deal with a kiss
And he locked it with a ring
As my heart laid to rest and my eyes it’s farewell
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Thu, 2024-04-25 19:42
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Days before my funeral" presents a vivid narrative with a strong emotional undertone. It effectively uses imagery to convey the protagonist's experiences and emotions. However, there are a few areas that could be improved for better clarity and impact.
1. The poem could benefit from more consistent use of metaphor and symbolism. For instance, the bullet and the heart in the first line could be a powerful symbol throughout the poem, but it is not further developed or referenced.
2. The transition between the lines "Extended time and to my bells ringing" and "Dark colorful nights" is a bit abrupt. It might be beneficial to provide a smoother transition or a clearer connection between these two ideas.
3. The line "The pastor sealed the deal with a kiss" is a bit ambiguous. If the pastor is a significant character in the poem, it might be helpful to introduce him earlier and provide more context about his role.
4. The last line "As my heart laid to rest and my eyes it’s farewell" could be rephrased for better grammatical accuracy. A suggestion could be "As my heart was laid to rest and my eyes bid farewell".
5. The poem could also benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter to enhance its musicality and flow.
In conclusion, while the poem effectively conveys a strong narrative and emotional resonance, it could be improved by developing its symbols more consistently, providing smoother transitions between ideas, clarifying the role of characters, correcting grammatical errors, and establishing a more consistent rhythm.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
MermaidMaster
Fri, 2024-04-26 07:38
hi!
great work very powerful stuff indeed.
the lines:
Roses delivered to me fresh on a daily
I swear you could’ve said I was loved
are my favorite they for sure pack a punch.
thanks for sharing!
best,
MM
<3
Lavender
Fri, 2024-04-26 17:26
Days Before My Funeral
Hello, Nusaiba,
Welcome to Neopoet.
This is so raw and straight-forward. Very compelling.
Thank you,
Lavender