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THE COVETEOUS

Submitted by Agboola on Wed, 2017-05-03 15:44

Where is your sting?
You stung unaware
You got me annoyed
Do they belong to you?
Why did you take what you were not given?
Let go of my belongings
Must you cross your boundary

You are really coveteous
No one ever gave you all that you took
You saw my useless belongings
You did not take them
Why are you always after the best?
The ones not released to you
Mr. coveteous

The Coveteous
Must my white view be painted red
Do you need that salty water that badly?
Answer me Mr. Coveteous
Well you've done your worst
Despite all our pleas
You still took these ones

I won't release myself to you
Until I turn grey
I will flee from all the your instruments
I wont outrun on the road
I won't harm myself with strong medicine
I won't sniff smoke
I enjoin everyone to flee from the devices of the coveteous

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
It will be appreciated if the poem is criticized to make me better
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
The Winter Season

Comments

Agboola

Wed, 2017-05-03 15:46

Agboola's picture

Please comment and criticize the poem

author comment

Eumolpus

Tue, 2017-05-09 21:33

Eumolpus's picture

I enjoyed your poem, it has a very interesting rhythm and cadence for me. The subject is elusive,
for me both a real person and a caricature of a person who lives a certain way, obsessed with fine possessions.
I think this is a typo "I will flee from all the your instruments"
I'm not sure about the instruments, are what they are..musical or tools. I need a little more about them. Also the last line, the voice and diction of the poem fall flat. The sound of the last phrase, ending with "all", is a bit of a let down. I would try to build it so it ends upwards.
Hope this helps. You have the sensibility of a poet, and can use the universe around you to find a very unique voice.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Agboola

Thu, 2017-05-11 13:28

Agboola's picture

Dear Eumolpus,
I write to appreciate your comment. Thank you very much. The instrument in reference is the tools that is used by death to steal peoples life. I will try and work on the on the last line. Also, please note that my name is Agboola and not Agaoola.

Thank you.

Yours sincerely,

Agboola

author comment

Eumolpus

Thu, 2017-05-11 22:25

Eumolpus's picture

And looking forward to seeing more of your work,

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

themoonman

Thu, 2017-05-11 23:09

themoonman's picture
Volunteer badge

I like your poem but feel some of the
strength is stolen with the over use of
the title. Also, not sure what their "sting"
is, trying to make a metaphor fit, probably
just me, been down for several days.

Agboola

Fri, 2017-05-12 07:01

Agboola's picture

Dear Themoonman,

How is your health? Hope you are better. I write to appreciate your critique on the above poem also to make some clarification.

The reflection of the title in the body of the poem was to showcase repetition as a figure of speech. Also, the sting is referring to the pains caused by the death of loved ones.

Thank you very much and please take your time to rest.

Yours sincerely,

Agboola

author comment

Eumolpus

Sun, 2017-05-14 23:01

Eumolpus's picture

I like the revisions you have made on the poem.
My suggestion is to save it at look at it again in a month or two.
And keep writing. Like anything else, the more you do it he better you get.
We have the famous 10,000 hour theme. It seems every profession- musician, surgeon, basketball player, lawyer, florist, whatever, needs 10,000 hours of practice, study and involvement to be a master at that occupation. Of course as life goes on you put in 30-40,000 more, especially if you put in 8 or 10 hours a day at it.
Why should writing poetry be any different?
So you're on your way! Put in the first 10,000 first!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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