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Coldness
Hopeless flies
the arrow
hard
against the wind,
a cry in the distance
of the desolation
of a desperate heart,
a sudden stop
within the enigmatic
eye of the storm.
The revolution
passes by,
and silhouetted faces
smile,
furrowed brows
masked by shadows,
and cloaks of falsehood
like a masquerade.
The drum rolls,
and bells toll
with an uncertain harmony.
Alone,
I sit on an iceberg,
and watch the loveless sea,
as the continents
float away into my dreams.
Take the children in,
and drain the blood.
There'll be carnage
in a bit.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
A bit too abstract.
Editing stage:
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Comments
William Saint George
Tue, 2013-02-26 06:41
quite right.
This poem is very personal, and I wrote it just when I was in the mood it portrays.
The line "the revolution passes by" is actually the core of the poem, and could pass as a title.
The last bit borders on the suicidal/self destructive.
Sitting on an iceberg, I thought, evoked coldness, loneliness and isolation.
Thanks for your comment.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
weirdelf
Wed, 2013-02-27 03:40
this has a lucidity to me
but that is probably a product of my deranged mind
cheers,
Jess
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William Saint George
Wed, 2013-02-27 04:08
You probably relate well to
You probably relate well to this poem.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
Frenchf
Sat, 2013-03-02 18:03
I loved the first line hopeless flies the arrow
And the rest but this is strong imagery. Well done
William Saint George
Sun, 2013-03-03 03:23
I was looking to write
I was looking to write something like Plath, with abstract words and strong imagery. I'm glad you liked it.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/