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cold snap (rhyme crimes workshop exercise three)

Submitted by judyanne on Wed, 2012-06-20 04:55

.
for three long weeks, non-stop, the south wind blew
and shook the tender trees from bough to bough
while Frosty Jack, he also took a bow
as everybody’s lips and tips turned blue

cyanosed, so many gasped for warmth
attitudes and postures shrank and dimmed
I supposed that once these days were through
multitudes might then no longer be

with thought of frigid death will come despair
too soon aware, so many turn to prayer
in hope that somewhere, somehow words will find
a god who’s kind, who’ll send his fiery breath

he answered not, and silence reigned throughout
the black that spread about as twilight fell
to highlight, stress the fear, distrust and doubt
in the austere veneer of where we dwell

as nothing came to save them from the freeze
it came to pass that during this cold spell
while darkness, deaf, ignored their heartfelt pleas
a lot of trembling people went to Hawaii
.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Rhyme Crimes

Comments

themoonman

Wed, 2012-06-20 05:49

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Take a break and jump on this assignment like it was
nothing, I'm still working on the first stanza for it, jeeeez,
well done Judy, you did just what Wes asked,
the content is good and sound, and
doesn't everyone want to go to Hawaii (lol)

judyanne

Wed, 2012-06-20 07:57

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as you said - it didn't take long to write this -- lol - that's obviously what happens when i don't find time to write - it all bottles up and pours out once allowed - especially when given directions as here in the exercise

i had trouble with the second verse... and someone may say i cheated lol - we'll see

thanks again
love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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Rula

Wed, 2012-06-20 06:07

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I thought you said you were busy :) Sure you were and always the first

Congratulations on accomplished the mission (im)posible LOL

I thought Wes. asked for an initial rhyme for the second stanza's verses.That is "on the first stressed syllable" , I see you did it on the third , have I misunderstood or missed the point?

All in all, good job indeed . Wish US luck

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words ........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

judyanne

Wed, 2012-06-20 08:04

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thank you

as for the second verse - i re-read to be sure, but i'm pretty certain wes wants dactyl rhymes
(but i did cheat anyways as in 'attitudes' and 'multitudes' - the first syllables don't rhyme... and 'I supposed' is two words ..) - lol - tough

thanks again rula - i do wish you luck, but i know you don't need it, you can do it girl

love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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scribbler

Sat, 2012-06-23 16:16

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that 2nd line kinda trips as it passes the lips in my opinion.and despair and prayer shouldn't be both at the end on lines should they? Plus where's the "mind" rhyme? But if not for the shop parameters this would and does read as a very good morphing poem........You just wait until I get Wes back into another shop of Mine, I'll make him write a rhyme pattern He never heard of lmao................stan

judyanne

Sat, 2012-06-23 22:43

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the 'second line trips'?

wes said nothing about not using end rhymes - in verse 3 'aware' is the cross rhyme to 'despair', 'somewhere' to 'prayer'

lol - the mind rhyme? - well it is there as far as i am concerned... perhaps you don't understand what is meant by 'mind rhyme' stan - as i feel mine is one and yours is not....?

thanks for the review
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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Rula

Sat, 2012-06-23 23:34

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I'm not aware of the mind rhyme.as I understand it is kind of implicit idea, subtle one. Can you please dear Juddy show how have you formed yours? Just as a clear example. Hopeyou don't mind it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words ........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

judyanne

Sat, 2012-06-23 23:46

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there once was a farmer who took a young miss
to the back of a barnyard to give her a ...
lecture on horses and chickens and eggs
and told her that she had such beautiful ...
manners that suited a girl of her charms
a girl he would like to take in his ...
washing and ironing and then if she did
they could get married and raise lots of...
sweet violets....

the girl told the farmer that he'd better stop
or she'd call her father and he'd call a ...
taxi and get there before very long
cos someone was doing his little girl ...
right for a change.....

the idea is to make the reader think a word is coming which doesn't...

(in my example one is supposed to think the word 'hell' is coming)
hope this helps
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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Rula

Sun, 2012-06-24 00:40

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I believe this requires not only a clever writing but a very conscious reader -just like you dear juddy-as well to be figured out,don't you agree?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words ........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

judyanne

Sun, 2012-06-24 02:11

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the reader needs to be duped into thinking ahead of the write
- which is what rhyme often does
- and just as a by the by - i think good rhyme should be a surprise
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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