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The Christian In You

Submitted by Lamar Ingraham on Mon, 2012-08-20 14:42

Humble like a Sunday afternoon,
Smiling while the hours bloom;
Sweetie, you are lovely indeed,
A creation of woman, God made complete.

Righteous once you have awaken,
Testimony with trouble you’ve undertaken…

To witness you pray yourself asleep
Is a blessing beyond any other feat…

It’s-
The Christian in you
That makes you so sexy,
Every time I am with you
I praise God for He’s blessed me.

The Christian in you.

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

judyanne

Mon, 2012-08-20 15:11

judyanne's picture
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and welcome to neopoet

this is a really lovely write. it has great rhythm and rhyme, and a gentleness about it that fits the theme

i have one suggestion – just in my opinion. I like to avoid the word ‘like’ when connecting synonym , when I can
and
‘Humble like a Sunday afternoon,
Smiling as the hours bloom;’
might read better as
‘Humble as a Sunday afternoon,
Smiling while the hours bloom’

I just love the lines
The Christian in you
That makes you so sexy,
Every time I am with you
I praise God for he’s blessed me.
... The Christian in you'

great first write
I look forward to reading more of your work
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Lamar Ingraham

Tue, 2014-01-28 15:00

Lamar Ingraham's picture

For a while... I had to deliberate how to approach your commentary without so much enthusiasm, because you are an amazing critic. You have an eye for improvement and potential. I long to have such great statutes in me. Thank you.

V/R,
Official 1SP

author comment

scribbler

Mon, 2012-08-20 21:25

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The outside beauty is not as lasting as the inner. You might think to rework line 4 so as to make awaken not sound quite as forced. Welcome to neopoet and if you have questions about site feel free to ask anybody here.................stan

Lamar Ingraham

Tue, 2014-01-28 15:04

Lamar Ingraham's picture

I apologize for not relying in a timely, yet I am still fascinated as to which stanza I need to paraphrase. Thank you for your intriguing critique. You are a puzzler and that is a good thing. Jesus himself spoke in parables. Amazing.

V/R,
Official 1SP

author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-08-22 09:36

weirdelf's picture
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but divisive. You have your own beliefs but many religions would say the same thing. While killing people of different beliefs.

Please be careful of using your religion to make a point, it will be countered by abortion centre bombers and other extremist religion types. Rather than use your religion, use you feelings.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Lamar Ingraham

Tue, 2014-01-28 15:17

Lamar Ingraham's picture

Thank you for your lovely commentary of both respect and concern. However, I do not afraid of other religious groups, sects, or organizations. It is my belief that religion is what makes the world is hostile. Faith is not the issue, but religion is. Your faith is your strength and your religion can be your strife. Religion is the organizational form of a faith or belief. The buildings, the leaders, the artifacts, and other things that are of this world put us in a religious category to where we cannot speak the same language. Theology is the study of God, not the study of religious things. Amen? I welcome all faiths, all beliefs, and I am fascinated to listen, to understand, and hear. But I also would like to share mine. That's all. My apologies if I offended anyone. My intentions if I inspired somebody.

V/R,
Official 1SP

author comment

pleiades

Sat, 2012-09-08 23:18

i like how you have used your faith here as a personal
testament in regards to your lady love
not a sniff of preachy-preachy about it...just your truth

easy rhythm and rhyme, and as judy rightly said, they
suit the gentleness of this

my favourite lines?... "it's the christian in you/ that makes you so sexy"
i imagined you saying that with a twinkle in your eye!

my only suggestion is to capitalise He's in the penultimate line,
as you are referring to God

welcome to neo...hope you like it

cheers
p

Lamar Ingraham

Tue, 2014-01-28 15:24

Lamar Ingraham's picture

You are a superb commentator. I am reading this critique over and over and I finally capitalized the "H" as suggested. Thank you for much. I can definitely both see and feel the difference.

V/R,
Official 1SP

author comment
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