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capitalism
now it has come to a wretched affair
telling you this while I'm sat on a carton
telling you life is so blasted unfair -
grateful for flagons of watered-down bourbon
reason I'm living this awful nightmare ?
nasty old bank is now taking mean action
moving my furniture to who knows where
threatening to sell it, tomorrow at auction
neighbours have all come to giggle and stare
watch while the manager's friend (he's a villain)
takes my belongings without e'en a care
(won't even stop when I mention a bargain)
as he removes my most favourite armchair
muttering under my breath 'What a cretin'
sneering and glowering behind my long hair
turning a brilliant bright shade of blush crimson
nothing to eat now, the cupboards are bare
greens from the freezer, but no longer frozen -
freezer so sadly went after glassware
(I have to admit I enjoyed it so when
he so very near nearly tripped on the stair
dropping piano, it would've been gruesome for
any poor person just lingering there)
hoped that, by now, I'd have made my life fortune
had thought, perhaps, it was writing - my flair
thinking that maybe I'd write a great dictum
found to my sorrow I am no Voltaire
told that my stuff is no better than rotten
poems and stories, they sell-out to nowhere
been quite some time, I might say, since I've eaten
wonder how long one can live on just air
hurrying quickly to finish this poem
leeringly eying my laptop computer
manager’s friend is toward me advancing
wordless he’ll leave me - in total despair
swearing I’ll take a strong poisonous toxin to
dull disappointment I’ll have I declare if
leaving this earth to go live there in heaven
capitalism dares also be there
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
attempt at dactyl pentameter
.... some lines of 5 & 1/3 feet – are they acceptable?
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Western Australia
Favorite Poets
Favourite poets? So many, so varied. I like particular songs, not necessarily the singer... and the same goes for poetry. I can honestly say though, that Alfred Noyes' The Highwayman was what inspired my love of poetry - my mother began reading it to me when I was still a baby, and it became my favourite bedtime story
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Comments
judyanne
Fri, 2012-04-06 00:58
oh dear
i think i have myself confused
i thought dum ta ta dum etc was anapaest
but i think now it is dactyl
someone please enlighten me
lol
really having trouble with line 6 i think....
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentjudyanne
Fri, 2012-04-06 02:19
so i've edited line six
still not sure though
have a safe and happy easter everyone
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentEssorant
Fri, 2012-04-06 23:09
Good Work
Yes, dactyls (Greek fingers) :) You are right on the mark in most places.
NOW it has COME to a POOR SAD afFAIR (Acceptable. I think it would be better with an unstressed syllable for "SAD")
TELLing you THIS while I'm SAT on a CARTon (perfect)
TELLing you LIFE is so BLASTed unFAIR (perfect)
GRATEful for FLAGons of WATered-down BOURbon (perfect)
REASon I'm LIVing this AWful nightMARE ? (perfect, except nightmare usually/normally has the main stress on the first syllable: NIGHTmare)
NASTy OLD BANK has MADE reposSESS ACTion (MADE and -SESS deviate a bit too much)
MOVing my FURniture to who KNOWS WHERE (maybe not perfect, but acceptable)
THREATening to SELL it, toMORrow at AUCTion (perfect)
How about "wretched" instead of "poor sad"?
"some lines of 4 & 1/3 feet – are they acceptable? ""
For sure; it allows you to incorporate rhyme more effectively. Otherwise the rhymes would be very unwieldy and difficult.
Here is another page you may find helpful for studying meter: http://www.algonquinstable.net/meter.php
judyanne
Sat, 2012-04-07 12:54
hello essorant
thank you very much for the helpful crit
i have used your suggestion of wretched - perfect, thank you
and i have reworked that dastardly line six yet again - does 'mean' work?
again, thanks for the assist
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentscribbler
Fri, 2012-04-06 19:42
Dang!
I thought we were still on iambic pentameter not ductwork pterodactal lol.........stan
judyanne
Sat, 2012-04-07 12:56
lol - ductwork pterodactal
is the one after this one silly
i have jumped the gun, haven't i :)
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentBarbara Writes
Sun, 2012-04-08 17:47
Judy yes you have lol
Jump the gun
This should have been iambic pentameter.
Maybe you can break it down to be so.
Four lines per stanza only. If you wouldn't mind it.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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Barbara Writes
Sun, 2012-04-08 17:52
Judy
The workshop is for absolute beginners. You will scare them away with your enthusiasm. Lol. Lets stick to whats in the syllabus. Nice work though.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
judyanne
Sun, 2012-04-08 17:59
i know we are up to iambic pentameter barbara
but all of my recent western style poems are iambic pentameter or tetrameter
i thought we had discussed this, and i had said to leave this write until we were covering the particular meter...
meanwhile, no, i don't think i want to change anything
i have, as you see, already received a helpful review here
and i am hopeful then of maybe another or two - for my own growth you see ?
i enjoy critiquing to assist the other participants in the workshop the best i can
i'm happy for my already submitted to the stream poems that are in iambic to be critiqued,
if that's not to your liking i will happily withdraw from the workshop :)
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentBarbara Writes
Sun, 2012-04-08 20:18
Judy
Maybe you can proposed your own advanced workshop teaching three syllables feet iambic.
I'm focusing on two syllable.
You could have entered one of you iambic pentameter poems to help the participants who are not as ept at meter as you are.
If you understand something better then the Leader then you should help the leader by supporting the Syllabus. Or create your own.
By the way Jess, workshop director asked me do this for the very absolute beginners as this form of poetry is confusing for those not as advanced as you apparently are.
I'm not upset Judy its just that you can't barge in and take liberties.
However you choose to write your poem for this workshop is okay by me as long as it fits somewhere near the Syllabus.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
Barbara Writes
Sun, 2012-04-08 20:26
Judy
Withdrawing is your choice I'm certainly not kicking you out.
Really your critique makes me look like the amateur that i am.
Another iambic pentameter or tetrameter poem for the workshop would have been nice.
I would gladly have learn from you in my second ever workshop.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
Barbara Writes
Sun, 2012-04-08 20:26
Judy
Withdrawing is your choice I'm certainly not kicking you out.
Really your critique makes me look like the amateur that i am.
Another iambic pentameter or tetrameter poem for the workshop would have been nice.
I would gladly have learn from you in my second ever workshop.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
judyanne
Mon, 2012-04-09 01:58
oh dear barbara
i didn't mean for this to be such a hassle
stan asked me to join in to your workshop, i didn't realise it was for 'absolute beginners' as he isn't one....
when he suggested it, the workshop had been going for a while
i read someones' comments about types of meter this included
and i wrote wirhout thinking
i originally only had the first verse up
then we had our ''discussion' and since i thought we were going to ignore it i posted the rest of the write
and left it in the workshop as i thought it might be interesteiing for others
- i will remove it
i aplogise, lol and i know you are not kicking me out (smile)
- but i'll stay away from things, even my attempts to join in with the parsing just seem to upset you
cheers
judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentBarbara Writes
Mon, 2012-04-09 09:59
im not upset
I know stan isn't a absolute beginner. Possibly no one here is. Since meter an be confusing sometimes the purpose of the workshop can make it less confusing when in a beginners format.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
weirdelf
Fri, 2012-04-13 08:55
Workshop appropriate or not
I've learned that trying to convert a poem from one meter to another is a total mind fuck, don't even try it.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Fri, 2012-04-13 11:23
I haven't parsed this,
armchair
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
judyanne
Sat, 2012-04-14 11:01
thanks jess
i guess you are correct re the title- perhaps i should rename it as 'the effect of the monetary system of barter in capitalism, on me and my life and posessions' lol - a bit of a mouthful
so glad you enjoyed it though
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
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