Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

The Blackened Face of Freedom

Submitted by Ju.ju.bee on Sat, 2012-07-07 02:08

In minutes it arrived
singing in low voices and
swinging from street lights.

It danced under branches
and wallowed in the breeze.
It hid under carpet and
scrabbled out of leaves.

It slipped over and laughed like
a hundred wobbling cranes.
Then pulled me closer while
whispering your soft name.

It was a freedom etched in
sadness with a solemn
blackened face.

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Last few words:

Editing stage:

Editing - draft

Comments

Roscoe Lane

Sat, 2012-07-07 02:26

I think,

I think this is good, apart from one line. Surely a sensation like this would not hide, but escape from under a carpet. I think if you change this it could help make it a very good poem. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Ian.T

Sat, 2012-07-07 03:56

Ju ju

Firstly welcome to Neopoet and I hope that your walk with us will be lovely.
I liked this one but our Roscoe as I doesn't sweep things under the carpet..
"It hid under carpet and"
So
" Peeping out from carpets cover"
I think that this was to show that things swept under the carpet would be released in your freedom, so let them come out in your race,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Ju.ju.bee

Sun, 2012-07-08 23:30

Thanks!

Thank you both for your comments. They're helpful. That line was one which has bugged me most and still I can't seem to resolve it.. Hmmm.. back to the notepad :)

author comment

Neopoet

The Blackened Face of Freedom