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Another Day

Submitted by Unca Fez on Tue, 2023-03-28 21:34

Another Day
4 A. M. and my pillow buzzes
Slap it for another 10 minutes.
4:10 A. M. and my pillow buzzes
Slap it again and the fog lifts a bit.
I move my left leg to get up.
(Oh my god! What a mistake!)
The whole leg explodes in pain.
Slowly and carefully,
Waiting for the next explosion,
I sit on the edge of the bed.
Reach to turn off the alarm.
(Ouch! My low back twinges!)
Slowly stand, reaching for the wall
To help straighten my back,
As it complains profusely.
Fully erect, I take a small step.
(That was tolerable.)
Take a few more and gather my clothes.
Slide the sleeping shorts to the floor,
Kicking them to the side.
Work my feet into the pants legs
So I can see my feet.
(Need to trim my toenails.)
Stand again, this time with more ease.
Pull up my pants and tie the string.
Grab my shirt and pull it over my head.
(Who told my shoulder it could hurt?)
Slip my feet into slippers,
Then shuffle to the nightstand
Where glasses, watch, and hearing aid
Wait to assist my day.
Look in the mirror
(What’s my dad doing there?)
Run fingers through my hair,
And I’m ready for another day.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2023-03-28 21:34

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Another Day" offers a stark portrayal of the struggles that come with aging. The speaker's physical pain and discomfort are vividly depicted, creating a sense of empathy in the reader. The repetition of the buzzing alarm and the slapping of the pillow create a sense of monotony and frustration that many readers will likely relate to. The use of parentheses to indicate the speaker's inner thoughts adds a layer of introspection to the poem.

However, the poem could benefit from some stronger imagery and more varied language. The descriptions of pain and discomfort become repetitive after a while, and the poem would benefit from more specific details or metaphorical comparisons. Additionally, the poem's structure is somewhat flat, with each stanza following a similar pattern of describing a physical movement and its accompanying pain.

One suggested line edit to improve the poem might be to replace the line "Run fingers through my hair" with a more vivid description of the speaker's appearance. For example, "Tousle my thinning hair and smooth down the cowlicks" would add more detail and visual interest to the final stanza. Overall, "Another Day" effectively conveys the hardships of aging, but could be strengthened with more dynamic language and imagery.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Unca Fez

Wed, 2023-03-29 05:44

Unca Fez's picture

I agree with the structural criticism. It felt "flat" to me, as well. I will need to let this one stew for a bit before I revise it.

Thanx,
Steve

author comment

Unca Fez

Wed, 2023-03-29 05:48

Unca Fez's picture

Thanks for your feedback. 4 A. M. is a hold over from when I was commuting to work. It was an attempt to avoid the worst of the traffic on my 1+ hour drive. After 19 years, it reset our diurnal rhythm.

Thanx,
Steve

author comment

Candlewitch

Wed, 2023-03-29 08:34

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the one line that bothers me is: "slip into slippers" how about: (slide into slippers, or slide my feet into slippers?) I was slightly surprised by this write! I am always happy to see you writing something other than python!

*your Cat

ps.

i want a lap cat!!! Now!

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Unca Fez

Wed, 2023-03-29 15:48

Unca Fez's picture

Thanks for the suggestion. I will keep it in mind. I'm going to sit on it for a while before I come back to it. Work on something else, for now.

Love,
Steve

Thanx,
Steve

author comment

Rosewood Apothecary

Fri, 2023-03-31 18:41

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The construction work is catching up. Things definitely did not used to hurt like this. Can you die from getting up off the floor after playing toys with the kids? Because it feels like you can die from that to me. Lol.

I agree with the robot critique but it works for me. Here’s why. The AI is correct it’s repetitive as all heck but that’s the metaphor. The obvious repetition of theme is a metaphor to the day in day out appearance of these aches and ailments. Yeah the poem is repetitive, such is life. I like the repetition.

Now the descriptive aspects maybe fall a bit short but that’s an easy fix given a little time and thought and the robot suggest some decent edits.

I enjoyed the idea here,
Tim

Unca Fez

Fri, 2023-03-31 20:04

Unca Fez's picture

Thanks, Tim. I never used to even think about getting down on my knees. Now, I have to plan it all out. I'm letting this one stew a bit before I try to fix it.

Thanx,
Steve

Thanx,
Steve

author comment
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