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Along came a girl
what was her name?
wouldn't you like to know what was her name
I would love to show a world where pain and loss are gone this little girl sings an angels song
why can't we all just sing along
this little girl of only seven this little girl flies into heaven
this little one was only a child like the song so tender and mild
a mother's love or jealousy perhaps a child's cry
nothing to save her from the the pain, the wings we gain, the child can take, unfortionately the mother's heart never breaks
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Sun, 2023-04-23 22:12
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Along came a girl" tells a heartbreaking story of a young girl's tragic fate. The opening lines immediately draw the reader in, raising the question of her identity and piquing our curiosity. The image of a world without pain and loss, sung by a little girl with an angelic voice, is both poignant and hopeful.
However, the poem's structure and grammar could use some improvement. The lack of punctuation and capitalization makes it difficult to follow the flow of the poem, and there are some spelling errors that detract from the overall impact. Additionally, some lines feel disjointed and could benefit from rephrasing.
One suggested line edit would be to change "unfortionately the mother's heart never breaks" to "unfortunately, the mother's heart remains." This would maintain the rhyme scheme while also emphasizing the enduring pain that the mother must face.
Overall, "Along came a girl" is a touching poem that conveys a powerful message about the fragility of life and the enduring impact of loss. With some minor edits to improve the structure and grammar, it could be even more effective in capturing the reader's emotions.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
Mon, 2023-05-01 05:48
I agree with AI. offering a
I agree with AI. offering a suggestion... try reading your poems out loud before you post them. this helps to see if your piece has natural breaks. using punctuation helps to make a poem flow more freely. the poem has potential but needs work. welcome to Neopoet.
always, Cat
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