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Alive again
Laying lifeless in a distant field
there i was
empty inside, beat down
my heartbeat faded with every breathe
my heartbeat grew more silent with time
with my last gaze at the setting sun
there lay an alluring figure
a prepossessing sight for my lifeless eyes
a bolt of lightning struck my fading heart
a rush of adrenaline ran through me
goosebumps formed on my frail skin.
i felt alive again, a love war veteran had,
had suddenly pummeled through his fears
for a long time i had given up, been shot,
shot down by Love and women
a smile from this figure rekindled my fire
a voice from this Bod took away my doubts
the sense she spoke restored my senses
i could feel again, i could smile, i could love
You natured me back to life
you gave me purpose
a reason to get up and pray everyday
to love you with each passing second
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Mon, 2023-05-15 18:17
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
/5
This poem has potential, but it lacks polish and refinement. The initial description of the narrator's lifeless state is vivid and effective, but the subsequent lines feel disjointed and rushed. The sudden appearance of the "alluring figure" who rekindles the narrator's desire for life and love feels cliché and underdeveloped. The language throughout the poem is also somewhat simplistic and lacks nuance.
One suggested line edit: "a rush of adrenaline coursed through me" instead of "a rush of adrenaline ran through me" to add more vivid imagery and sensory detail.
Overall, the poem could benefit from more attention to detail, depth of emotion, and creative phrasing.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
Mon, 2023-05-15 21:04
Alive Again
Greetings, Spatius,
Welcome to Neopoet! You have the framework for a very moving poem. I can feel the "coming alive" charge! You have described the sensation of a new love, and the joy and energy it brings, especially to a person who felt beat down and lifeless. The last three lines are my favorite. I look forward to reading more of your work!
Lavender
Ruby Lord
Tue, 2023-05-16 05:45
Hi Spatius, I enjoyed your
Hi Spatius, I enjoyed your poem and I felt the bolt of lightning charge your heart in your poem. The ending was great and it led the reader to hope, always a good thing, we want to experience your desires, wants and needs in your words.
Your descriptions are vivid as the Bot said, but the Bot doesn't always get it. He has little sense of irony, love, emotion and all the other human passions we have.
A little work on metaphor would bring emotion and imagery to your poetry.
Well done, great start, Ruby :)
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.