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Kandid
can tell the way you hold yourself half turning
the unfinished smile
I look out and watch the bright waves
the sharp sunlight washing over us
and the great weight of restless dreams
pulls at my cuffs and sleeves like
deep water
You are a distant island whose sand I
once walked on Whose campfire
knoll captivated me
you are a dream now
drifting like the patternless cloud
masses slowly
but surely away
I watch you escaping our history
your sure legs swaying
along the busy pathway
I turn and watch the glitter of the
sun squinting into the future
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
north ontario
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Comments
Geezer
Sun, 2011-07-10 19:04
As always...
I am drawn into the story you present. You seem to be missing the [ I ] from the first sentence of the poem. There are a few things that I would tweak: Looking out, I watch the bright waves.
I would move the line: Whose campfire knoll captivated me. Or just use some puncuation, to let the reader see at a glance, where the lines end. Periods and commas would would do nicely, without getting really technical. Other than that a great job, as usual! your friend ~ Gee
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CCfire
Mon, 2011-07-11 06:11
I like Geezer find myself
I like Geezer find myself drawn into the web of intrigue with your wordsmithing and the tale it weaves. This feels as if you watch a loved one without words yet write it down, the way it ends with the sway on the pathway makes me think sylph like and dainty.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
Esker
Mon, 2011-07-11 13:50
My step daughter
explained punctuation for me the other day Shes intelligent and keen
an apt reader I think I can finally break down soon and start to use
punctuation as this is instrumental in a much better read for others
rather then just my "style" sometimes function needs to function
anyway thanks for the critiqueing people
will come back when I have more time
must rush off to food bank right now
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