Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Boardwalk Enchantment

Submitted by Candlewitch on Sun, 2024-09-15 08:17

She met him late
in the month of May,
at the lake shore
on a cloud dappled day.

Whistling while he strolled,
and skipping stones
on the glass like water
throwing them like divining bones.

Seeing her at rest,
on a blanket on the sand,
introducing himself
he took her by the hand.

Leading her to a special space
willingly she went along
with him under the boardwalk,
where he sang his mesmerizing song!

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Last few words:

*Vicki notepad

Editing stage:

Editing - polished draft

Contest:

09/24 Under the boardwalk

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2024-09-15 14:20

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem, "Boardwalk Enchantment," demonstrates a good use of rhyming and rhythm, which helps to create a sense of flow and movement. The imagery is also vivid, particularly in the lines "whistling while he strolled, / and skipping stones / on the glass-like water / throwing them like rolling bones." This effectively conveys the scene and the actions of the characters.

However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved. First, the transition from the third to the fourth stanza is abrupt. The reader is suddenly taken "under the boardwalk" without any clear indication of why or how this move occurs. Providing more detail or a smoother transition could help to maintain the narrative flow.

Second, the poem could benefit from more emotional depth. While the actions and setting are clearly described, the feelings of the characters are not. Adding more emotional descriptors or exploring the characters' internal states could add depth and complexity to the poem.

Lastly, the final line "where he sang his mesmerizing song!" is a bit vague. What kind of song is it? Why is it mesmerizing? Providing more specific details could make this line more impactful and meaningful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Rula

Sun, 2024-09-15 13:09

Dear Cat

This is short and yet a sweet story... Apt title. Simple and to the point.
Like it.
Thank you for sharing this enjoyable read.
Best wishes

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words ........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Candlewitch

Mon, 2024-09-16 18:21

Dear Rula,

Thank you for your supportive comments. I really appreciate your reading and commenting!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Triskelion

Sun, 2024-09-15 20:17

Reads like..

...an intro to a lucid dream concerning a mer-man, Cat. Your tempo shows real improvement and your word choice makes for smooth, effective rhymes..I'll be watching this one!

Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Candlewitch

Mon, 2024-09-16 18:27

Dear Thomas,

Thank you for your kind comments and interest in my poetry. I hope you will forgive me if eddy styx pops out on occasion.

*hugs, Cat, with huge amounts of respect.

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Leslie

Mon, 2024-09-16 07:44

Boardwalk Enchantment

This was very smooth, you keep getting better and better.

Our dreams lost! Lost on an ocean of turmoil! Soon a solution will arrive! Until then I will write!

Candlewitch

Mon, 2024-09-16 18:29

Dear Leslie,

Thank you!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Leslie

Mon, 2024-09-16 07:44

Boardwalk Enchantment

Our dreams lost! Lost on an ocean of turmoil! Soon a solution will arrive! Until then I will write!

Leslie

Mon, 2024-09-16 07:45

Boardwalk Enchantment

Our dreams lost! Lost on an ocean of turmoil! Soon a solution will arrive! Until then I will write!

Leslie

Mon, 2024-09-16 08:29

Cat...

Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to delete the accidental messages.

Our dreams lost! Lost on an ocean of turmoil! Soon a solution will arrive! Until then I will write!

Words Ablaze

Mon, 2024-09-16 08:50

Very dreamy...

Very dreamy...
A splendid scenery you've rolled out for us C,
The rhythm, the imagery, it all blends into a nice cocktail, smooth and soothing like laying on a silk hammok.

And you know what would have had me going bananas... Is if instead of... "throwing them like rolling bones"... You said.. "throwing them like DIVINING bones"

Works if you know what DIVINING bones are...

Candlewitch

Mon, 2024-09-16 18:33