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you are a life i longed for more of

Submitted by iisntanything on Thu, 2023-03-09 14:07

true love looks at its friends
and sees them how they see themselves,
sees them troubling and ugly and boring,
and knows God created them in its likeness;

i have forgotten your sisters name,
i don’t care where you’ve ended up-
the czech republic, oddball,
i care that i cut jaggedly across you,

that we have been.
i think about your house, about your spells,
i think about writing to you aimlessly,
receipt backs and leaflets enshrined and massed;

i think about megan,
i wonder what you’re fed up of,
i wonder if you’ve felt this disjointment,
i wonder if i left a scar.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
i always worry my poems sound pretentious, please tell me if it does- semi-obviously about childhood
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Fri, 2023-03-10 10:25

Geezer's picture
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the first stanza's murkiness could be cleared up with one simple word/letter.
[a true love]. I would prefer that the star of the stanza be personified with a he/she, rather
than [it]. It would make the stanza clearer.

I can live with the title, as it does give some direction to the piece,
[a letter to an ex].

The pacing is good, a sort of a laid-back, kind of idle wondering about...
things left behind.

The ending leaves me wondering if you might be considering a reconciliation?
All-in-all, a good piece, if you do a little clean-up. ~ Geezer.
.

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