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Bleak
I often read of optimism,
of utopian enlightenment
seen through hopeful prism
of largesse and entitlement.
Sometimes I hear positive language
that speaks of strength and light
and the power of love's advantage
flooding all our futures bright.
But what I actually see,
when in clime of real life
I confront bleak reality,
is runaway unfettered strife,
and what I inevitably feel
when watching world's collapse
is that warfare will be the deal
in the wake of our care's lapse:
growing hate will be the fate
of our own ignorance
in the foul shambling gait
of all-consuming arrogance.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
magics02
Tue, 2010-11-16 20:12
Oh yes
I got the very essence so profoundly in this write here of yours and you are correct. I stopped watching the news every night as ponder of my writing so not to be disturbed so much of the negativity in todays society. You nailed it on this one and I admire your word usage and the feelings you portray so well here.
I share them with you.
Great job and when can I give you some stars friend? LOL
Magics
Race_9togo
Tue, 2010-11-16 21:29
Mona,
Thanks for enjoying my write.
Yeah, I stopped watching TV a while back - many years ago, in fact. I don't do heroin, and I don't do TV, for the same reason, lol.
But I see this on the street, every day I'm out there: people slashing at each other like animals, for no better reason than that it makes them feel good; government turning its back on the poor and hungry every chance it gets; men and women being spat upon as they beg on the street because they have no job, no money, and their children are hungry. And people slaughtering their own children, because God told them too, or to get revenge on the person they made those children with.
Sick, sickening and even sicker.
I volunteered at a church this past Saturday, where I helped open a homeless shelter. Our first people to arrive were a mother and her six children, who were thrown out of the motel they were living in after the mother lost her job, and could no longer pay.
She lost her job because the father of her children stalked her, found out where she lived and worked, and started calling both places with such nasty and sick threats and screamings that her employer fired her.
This, from the father of her own kids.
Hence this poem.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
lou
Tue, 2010-11-16 20:52
Hi
Fantastic use of language
Loved it
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Race_9togo
Tue, 2010-11-16 21:30
Hey Lou, thanks,
glad you enjoyed it.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Race_9togo
Wed, 2010-11-17 11:56
Thanks Shirly,
For your kind comment.
Yes, I have written on this subject, about Father Christmas. In my poem, Saint Nicholaus takes the christmas presents away from some children when he realizes they are not on his list, and he has given gifts to the wrong set of brats.
The children then ambush and capture him, tie him down and...
heehee
Just teasing.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Race_9togo
Wed, 2010-11-17 12:24
LOL
My kids of course no longer believe in Santa...
...but they still get presents from him. They know what we are going to get them, but Santa gifts are always a surprise, heehee.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Nordic cloud
Thu, 2010-11-18 09:14
To this I fox-trotted through
To this I fox-trotted through with the glide,
hesitation
and glide again in another mood,
the pattern of the lilt made it so.
How to make light the inevitable doom
vision of the future, all is not in our hands either
is it?
We assume it is us who are the final decision makers
but it probably won't be.
And now I read one of your comments
that this poem was inspired by a mother
with her children thrown out;
that's absolutely unforgivable,
what can one do with such people,
and where does she go from here,
still with him nosing about and meddling
in such a gruesome manner?
Big sigh at humanity in some circles.
Love to you and well done you for helping them,
that was kind of you Jim. Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Race_9togo
Thu, 2010-11-18 11:58
Thank you
For your comment, Ann.
It isn't kindness,
It's neccessity,
and giving back to others
what once was given me.
Thanks again.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Kailashana2
Thu, 2010-11-18 09:18
Bleak, but not quite! I have
Bleak, but not quite! I have faith that we're walking through a doorway in which we will awaken to an alternate reality: here, we are co-creators with the unknown (God or whatever we want to call this great mystery that is life.)
Powers of 10 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fKBhvDjuy0&feature=player_embeddedhttp:/...
(Perspective changes everything, eh?)
~Anna
Race_9togo
Thu, 2010-11-18 12:02
Thanks Anna,
Yes, perspective, perspective perspective, and then some perspective.
Of course, one has to be capable of changing.
I will not wait for new reality,
I'll take this one we share
and try to make it better
before I have to leave.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Race_9togo
Fri, 2010-11-19 02:48
Hey thanks Amal,
I did want the last verse to have a different structure than the rest, but after reading your comment, I think you are right, it wasn't working the way I wanted it to, so I made some changes.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Race_9togo
Tue, 2010-11-23 15:38
Yeah Amal,
I made the changes, it is better. I have a hard time with rhyme, I'm usually a freeform guy, lol.
Thanks again for your help.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Race_9togo
Tue, 2010-11-23 20:06
Jayne
Yes, I often wear those same glasses, but I've seen too much pain, too much hate and violence and indifference, to ever wear them very long.
Still, if no struggle is engaged, no change occurs, right?
I have hope for our species, I think it will ultimately rise above its pettiness and ignorance.
But patience...it's like respect: I reserve it for those who deserve it.
Heehee.
Glad you enjoy this one. Amal helped me with it a great deal (thanks again, Amal).
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
loved
Tue, 2010-11-23 20:10
my
that's why
i call myself
the
ANONYMOUS
UNANIMOUS
WORLD CITIZEN
SO JOIN IN
loved
Race_9togo
Tue, 2010-11-23 20:17
LOL
I try
and try
yet every time
the world rejects
my application
besides,
I would rather be the landlord
than the renter
the robber
than
the stage-coach driver
now loved,
now watch
what comments
there will be!
heehee
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Race_9togo
Tue, 2010-11-23 20:43
hmmm....
some comments fall
as blazing stars to
brighten darkness
others intellectualize
and teach the reach
of structure
and of pace
with dispassion
and with grace
but some are only
ooze from underground,
pretending light
from soiled nothing
and the stink
of ego's defecation
heehee
jibberish from you, huh?
not in a century of writing, Oz Lady.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
scribbler
Tue, 2010-11-23 21:34
bleak
Much in this world is cold and bleak
there to see for all who seek
but not all is truly lost
nor in the dust bin surely tossed
for there is also room for joy
like the birth of my first boy
I'll try my best to maintain brevity
so, look, you may behold some levity
Yours is as well written although somewhat dark write.........scribbler
Race_9togo
Tue, 2010-11-23 22:00
hmmm...
Smothered in the ignorance
of other's bleak indifference,
I sometimes lose perspective
and catch myself in rank invective,
until I recall a son's embrace,
a daughter's kiss upon my face,
the bed warmed by my better half,
and their antics that always make me laugh.
Thanks Scribbler, I forgot today, until your poem.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo