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The trigger
But you can live without them
You know the devil ,the demons and the unspoken word
the silent night that crawls in your bed and leaves a stain
all is fair in love and war ,everyday is a fight of mass murder
i don’t want bullets in my poem so I’ll say what’s more powerful a thought or a gun or is it the words
the words that come out of your mouth.tongues become the sharpest of swords,as they clash over wrong and right.the regret,the bitter,the copper tongue bite
the tears they bring ,pry your fingers off the triggers drop and the guns click
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Thu, 2024-10-17 21:41
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "The Trigger" contains a strong exploration of the power of words and thoughts, juxtaposed with the physical violence of guns and warfare. The use of metaphor and imagery is effective in conveying the emotional intensity of the themes. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved.
1. Clarity: The poem could benefit from more clarity in its metaphors and images. For example, the phrase "the silent night that crawls in your bed and leaves a stain" is intriguing but its connection to the rest of the poem is unclear. More context or explanation could help the reader understand this image and how it relates to the overall themes of the poem.
2. Punctuation: The poem largely lacks punctuation, which can make it difficult for the reader to follow the flow of ideas. Adding punctuation could help guide the reader through the poem and enhance the impact of certain lines.
3. Line Breaks: The poem could also benefit from more intentional use of line breaks. For instance, the line "the words that come out of your mouth.tongues become the sharpest of swords,as they clash over wrong and right.the regret,the bitter,the copper tongue bite" could be broken up into several lines to give each image and idea its own space and emphasis.
4. Consistency: The poem seems to shift between different themes and images without a clear connection or transition. For example, it's unclear how the "silent night" and the "fight of mass murder" relate to each other. Maintaining a consistent focus or providing clearer transitions could help the poem feel more cohesive.
5. Show, Don't Tell: The line "everyday is a fight of mass murder" tells the reader about the struggle, but it could be more effective to show this struggle through specific images or scenes. This could help the reader to feel the intensity of the fight rather than just being told about it.
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