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Heartbreak Hotel

Submitted by Candlewitch on Wed, 2024-10-16 10:08

At the edge of Bremen township
Heartbreak Hotel, on the outskirt,
long ago shut down and boarded...
Sits heavily on patch of dirt.

In its heyday, a jumpin' joint
sporting, dance floor piano Bar,
cafe, and comforts in Aces
noted by all to be five star.

Scandals hit hard, this Roadside Inn,
so many sorrows in those walls,
a place for secrets to gather
now paint peels as wallpaper falls.

Sue, and her swain caught with pants down
her husband burst into their room.
Caught in the act, the lovers cowered
the gun in Jim's hand spelled their doom.

There were tears in Jim's eyes, he cried
as he aimed and shot them both dead
his aim was truly on target,
her in the heart, him in the head

next Jim turned the gun on himself
cognoscenti of what he had done.
He took a stiff drink from his flask
shot to the brain, dropping the gun...

Jim, Sue and her secret lover
caught in a time loop to repeat
deadly event costing their lives
ever replay this night of heat!

There are many stories, gruesome
sordid events of lost humanity
about Heartbreak Hotel, 'tis true
the worst of lost sanity.

On a full moon, do not enter
you wish to live, stray not a toe
threshold of Death's agents live here
icy grasp, beginning of woe.

So many have taken the dare
to spend a ghastly frightful night
amongst pure evil as his Guest
heart strong enough to take this fright?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Haunted Hotel Image Prompt Contest
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Wed, 2024-10-16 16:10

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Heartbreak Hotel" effectively uses narrative and descriptive elements to create an eerie, haunting atmosphere. The story of Jim, Sue, and her secret lover is well-developed and engaging, drawing the reader into the tragic tale. The use of rhyme and rhythm adds to the overall mood and tone of the poem.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. The poem's structure is somewhat inconsistent, with some stanzas having four lines and others having five. This inconsistency can be distracting for the reader and disrupt the flow of the poem. It may be beneficial to adhere to a more consistent stanza structure throughout the poem.

Additionally, the language and phrasing in some parts of the poem could be refined to improve clarity and readability. For example, the line "cognoscenti of what he had done" uses a relatively uncommon word that may not be familiar to all readers. While it's important to use varied and interesting vocabulary, it's also crucial to ensure that the language is accessible and understandable to the audience.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from more show and less tell. Instead of directly stating the emotions of the characters, such as "There were tears in Jim's eyes, he cried", the poem could use more descriptive language to convey these feelings. This would allow the reader to more fully engage with and understand the characters' experiences.

Overall, the poem has a strong narrative and effectively creates a haunting atmosphere. With some adjustments to structure, language, and description, it could be even more engaging and impactful.

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