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Broken Hearted
I looked at her eyes, adorned with joy of you
Captured a photograph of your smile, your life, so pure; so true
Yet something hidden behind her gaze seemed out of view.
A flicker of doubt, a shade of blue.
Wondering what demons fought for your smile.
But beneath your laughter were soft, sweet unspoken words
The colours blurred and the bate began to spread
Dear, you'd be disappointed
Cause the girl you once knew is dead
And from her ashes rose a soul;
Broken hearted.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How does this theme appeal to you?
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Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Mon, 2024-10-14 22:50
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Broken Hearted" effectively conveys a sense of emotional turmoil and transformation. The imagery of capturing a photograph of a smile and the contrast between joy and hatred adds depth to the theme of heartbreak. The shift from describing the subject's feelings towards the person they once knew to the emergence of a "broken hearted" soul is poignant.
To enhance the impact of the poem, consider refining the structure and flow. The transition from describing the subject's feelings to the revelation of the transformation could be made smoother. Additionally, exploring different poetic devices such as metaphors or symbolism could enrich the portrayal of emotions and experiences.
Overall, the poem effectively captures the theme of heartbreak and transformation, and further refinement could elevate its emotional resonance.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
Tue, 2024-10-15 08:03
Hello Asher,
I agree with AI on the suggestion that the transition of emotional changes could be smoother. I think this poem needs work and is worth it!
*best wishes, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Asher
Wed, 2024-10-16 05:02
Thank you for the comments!
Thank you Cat for the feedback, I have tried to change the wording and make it seem more sincere. I might still be working on it but here are the changes I have recently made. Thank you again!
Best wishes,
Asher
author commentLavender
Tue, 2024-10-15 17:45
Broken Hearted
Hello, Asher,
This is so intriguing and filled with emotion. And as brief as it is, even fewer words may be used. For example,
"I looked at her eyes,
captured a photograph of your smile"
This implies and SHOWS me the joy written in the first line without telling me. I'll be back to read again - much to like with this!
Thank you!
L
Asher
Wed, 2024-10-16 05:03
Thank you!
Dear Lavender, thank you for the feedback, I appreciate it more than you know. I'm glad you have seen this poem as it is one of my first ones.
Best wishes,
Asher
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