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Flora of me

Submitted by Squal0 on Sat, 2023-02-11 17:54

Liana, our laughs were my cure
Half a life, I spent feeling unsure
Your allure, imbued me with incomparable conviction
An infliction that will guide me to a life well spent

Our road is long, so far from an end on this night
Yet, there is a light, not even Aphrodite could ignite
Half a life, isn't even half the price I would pay
For who are we, to complain in paradise on our day

Our dreams will remind us of our yearning
Fate does not come free of hurting
A fight we chose, for a better life spent
Do not cry, only the sea shall splendour from our plight

Can you believe, our story, started with a story
What a story this will be, the one of the flora of me

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Hi all, Firstly, while I do enjoy to write in my spare time. I should stress it is nothing but a hobby. And this is my first attempt at poetry. Simply put, this piece is written for my girlfriend. We're long distance...and I'm not talking different states, as some are lucky enough to work around. There is quite literally an ocean between us. Hence the reference to the sea (i will admit that line causes me the most grief. I want to include it, but i'm struggling to make it fit). We are tried and tested, having spent a large amount of time together last year as an official couple, and recently we've developed a plan for 2023/24 to actually be together...very very happy as you can imagine. So this poem is really an ode to the days of our struggles, and days of struggle that remain. Consequently, while I'm open to moderation, as I want this to be something to be proud of. There are key themes that are non-negotiable. I'm mostly looking for help with pacing and language. As you read you may want to reflect on my intended themes: - Our core belief that life has brought us together for a reason - Our feelings that are incredibly unique to anything we've felt with anyone previously - "half a life" is representative of my mental health struggles. It's perhaps a slight exaggeration, in the sport of rhyme, but it's close enough to hold truth while i'm still on the young side :) - our plan to be together as we imagine our bright future - "our story started with a story", is a reference to how we started talking (she'll get it haha) - flora of me as you probably guessed indicates that she is my flower, my environment, where i am comfortable and natural. She is why I bloom. Plus she really likes flowers. Thanks in advance!
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Lavender

Sat, 2023-02-11 21:06

Lavender's picture
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Greetings!
Wow! Your first poem and you've started with a sonnet! How wonderful! I love sonnets, especially used to convey adoration. This is affectionate and lovely. Your intentions and message are elegantly expressed. Best wishes to you both in working out the 2023/24 plan. I hope all goes well!
Welcome to Neopoet, and I look forward to reading more!
Lavender
(You may be aware that most sonnets have the same syllable count in each line, so this is actually a little loose in that regard, but just as endearing.)

Squal0

Sun, 2023-02-12 14:47

Thanks very much! Glad it to hear it struck a chord and reads well, that's the most important thing I'm trying to achieve.

I actually did not know that. I've given it a little touch up to improve the structure, although I'm quite happy for it to break a few rules, should it benefit the story telling. I'd appreciate your continued feedback:

Liana, our laughs were my cure (9)
Half a life, I spent feeling unsure (9)
Your allure, imbued me with a unique conviction (13)
An infliction that will guide me to a life well spent (13)

Our road is long, so far from an end on this night (13)
Half a life, is far from half the price, I would pay (13)
For, there is a light, not even Aphrodite could ignite (15)
And who are we, to complain in paradise on our last day (15)

Our dreams will remind us of our yearning (11)
It is known, fate does not come free of hurting (11)
A fight we chose, for a better life spent rejecting our strife (15)
We must not cry, as only the sea shall splendour from our plight (15)

Can you believe, our story, started with a story (13)
What a story this will be, the one of the flora of me (15)

Let me know which you prefer :)

author comment

Lavender

Mon, 2023-02-13 15:15

Lavender's picture
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It may have been my error to assume that you meant this as a structured sonnet, perhaps you did not. I was really suggesting the syllable count for the future. I think it is lovely as is, and certainly full of personal meaning for you both. I don't know that I could, or should, suggest anything since it comes from such a deep place for you. I wouldn't want to remove or change its deep emotion. You may want to check out traditional sonnets, which are 14 lines consisting of 3 quatrains and 1 couplet, usually 10 syllables per line, and an abab, cdcd, efef, gg rhyme scheme. But there are many others, too. Of course we all break rules, especially in the name of love! :) Thank you for sharing this precious read!
L

Rosewood Apothecary

Sun, 2023-02-12 14:33

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I could probably help out a little. It’s mostly all set and it really doesn’t need much help. I felt like it read fine. Maybe because it’s loose in places those are areas you’d like to work on?

Welcome to the site
Pretty good first attempt at poetry. I’d say you have the knack for it.
Tim

Squal0

Sun, 2023-02-12 14:59

Thanks! I'm glad to hear it reads well. Based on some previous feedback, I've given the structure a touch up based on syllable counts. I'm quite happy for it to break a few rules to benefit the story, as it's a personal piece.

Would love to read your feedback/take based on either version. Would also be good to know which version hits home a little harder:

Liana, our laughs were my cure (9)
Half a life, I spent feeling unsure (9)
Your allure, imbued me with a unique conviction (13)
An infliction that will guide me to a life well spent (13)

Our road is long, so far from an end on this night (13)
Half a life, is far from half the price, I would pay (13)
For, there is a light, not even Aphrodite could ignite (15)
And who are we, to complain in paradise on our last day (15)

Our dreams will remind us of our yearning (11)
It is known, fate does not come free of hurting (11)
A fight we chose, for a better life spent rejecting our strife (15)
We must not cry, as only the sea shall splendour from our plight (15)

Can you believe, our story, started with a story (13)
What a story this will be, the one of the flora of me (15)

Thanks again!

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