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Some Reflection [Sunku Workshop]
Isn't bald
but wider
my forehead.
Someone
I guess Time
mowed the grass
Moon beams
make me reflect
in diffused light
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage:
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Comments
IRiz
Tue, 2018-02-13 10:20
Great write,
Great write,
Thank you, I relate to the subject and I love to clearly see your face staring at the moon questioning the nature of time.
My suggestions
Isn't bald
but wider
my forehead.
Someone
I guess Time
mowed the grass
Moon beams
I reflect
in diffused light
Explanations: I changed sun to time,
I suspect there is no room for sun and moon in the short poem. Both symbols negate each other.
The rest of suggestions improve the flow but less important. My sense of flow is subjective. Hopefully other readers will contribute to the matter
IRiz
raj
Tue, 2018-02-13 14:23
Thanks IRiz ...the subtle
Thanks IRiz ...the subtle changes you in first two stanzas accompanied with very valid explanation are apt, accepted and implemented...thanks for using your magic...
Regards..
raj (sublime_ocean)
IRiz
Tue, 2018-02-13 15:32
Sleep on any suggestions, do
Sleep on any suggestions, do not rush to change things you wrote. You are the one who knows the best what you want to say.
IRiz
raj
Tue, 2018-02-13 15:39
I am hard nut when it comes
I am hard nut when it comes to making change but pretty open when the suggestion/critique makes sense. Besides there is always an option to make further changes if deemed fit...that's how is the learning process ain't it...which is why I jumped into this workshop...
Regards...
raj (sublime_ocean)
scribbler
Tue, 2018-02-13 18:33
Hi raj
God only made so many perfect heads. He hid the rest under hair lol. I'm not sure but "isn't" sounds like 2 syllables when I say it
IRiz
Tue, 2018-02-13 18:38
It is a matter of taste after
It is a matter of taste after all.
Precise count of syllabi is not always possible and not very important. I consider it is secondary after simplicity and flow
IRiz
raj
Wed, 2018-02-14 04:44
Ooops! there i get more bald
Ooops! there i get more bald again while choosing for a monosyllable substitute for Isn't....oh i found it! and changed...
regards...
raj (sublime_ocean)