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When I have Fears... Stripped (Imagery Workshop)
The original submitted by wesley-
When I have fears...
John Keats (1795-1821)
WHEN I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high pil`d books, in charact'ry,
Hold like rich garners the full-ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face, 5
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And feel that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour!
That I shall never look upon thee more, 10
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love;—then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think,
Till Love and Fame to nothingness do sink.
Stripped of imagery by weirdelf (sorry, Wes, I was ruthless)
BY JOHN KEATS
When I worry I might die
Before I’ve finished all I can think to write,
made a body of work, well writ,
A library of my greatest works
When I look up into the sky there's stars,
and great clouds I see in shapeless forms
And think that I may never live to trace
Their shadows with the pen I use to them describe;
And when I feel, you passing girl of fancy,
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the fleeting power
Of healthy virgin running for her honour—
then alone and horny I stand
, and think
I’d rather have a fuck and then a drink.
Comments
jane210660
Thu, 2017-07-06 03:46
Well
An interesting exercise.
There may be some poets who prefer the stripped back version.
Jx
------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
weirdelf
Thu, 2017-07-06 05:32
teehee
teehee
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
wesley snow
Fri, 2017-07-14 19:19
But where is it?
Did you remove it? Or is my computer playing games?
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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wesley snow
Fri, 2017-07-14 19:20
Never mind.
I found it.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
wesley snow
Fri, 2017-07-14 19:21
There is plenty of imagery here.
Just different.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
weirdelf
Fri, 2017-07-21 18:46
you make a valid point, Wesley,
to lose all imagery altogether would be to be writing blind.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Fri, 2017-07-21 22:23
when ever
we try to pin down a really exact imagery it's a difficult if not impossible thing. So trying to eliminate anything which Might be considered imagery could almost eliminate an entire poem. Now to the rewrite. You took the original poem which expresses real regret and turned it into one of despair mainly by changing imagery. Good job. I particularly liked "To the void behind your pinpoint pupils" . Pinpoint showing the lack of real caring as opposed to dilated...............stan
weirdelf
Fri, 2017-07-21 23:40
thanks, and um, glad it worked both ways
with "tying off the tourney, work the fist and pat the vein
seeing the bloom of blood into the fit," pinned pupils is also symptomatic of heroin use.
It's not the sort of poem one actually likes but as a stand alone, did you?
I think t could polish up a bit.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
lovedly
Sat, 2017-07-22 21:52
last night Keats sms'd me
Lovedly take care
you'll be fucked worse
also
so I decided to remove my version of Pablo
as you said fucks already ...Lovedly!
also
shaky cheers ...
weirdelf
Sun, 2017-07-23 02:10
I renig on my copywite on the word 'fuck'
please post what you like
and remember if I fuck you
if you don't enjoy it,
you'll probably at least learn something.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
jane210660
Sun, 2017-07-23 08:58
The problem was Lovedly
I think the issue was that you posted to the thread and didn't mark it for the workshop on the tab at the bottom of the submission page.
Jx
------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
weirdelf
Sun, 2017-07-23 10:22
I included the rebuild after the stripdown on this page, Jane
It was in the title.
Not much feedback, it's clearly caused confusion, I'll post it separately.
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/when-i-have-fears-final-rewrite-i...
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
jane210660
Sun, 2017-07-23 10:54
Sorry more confusion
I was referring to Lovedly removing his poem and having a bit of a huff.
I meant the problem with his poem was he put it on the thread, not posted to workshop.
Just take me out and shoot me if I'm barking up the wrong tree, possibly a lack of Prosecco......
Jx
------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
weirdelf
Sun, 2017-07-23 11:18
and I was pointing out that you preferred to huff
than to critique my work, I had already huffed and knew what lovedly was talking about so consider yourself... well, we can forego shooting this time. [grins]
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
jane210660
Sun, 2017-07-23 11:27
You are too kind.
You are too kind.
Chin chin
Jx
(large grin)
------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
weirdelf
Sun, 2017-07-23 02:10
ta
mate
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Sun, 2017-07-23 10:22
Rewrite at
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/when-i-have-fears-final-rewrite-i...
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry