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Paradise Lost
I was
two sided mintage;
sculptured perfection;
both stranger and pilgrim,
passing through.
But I lived as if I forever
belonged to this land.
And, within the violence of
forgotten illusion
where past and future
merge as today,
the coin has lost the emboss;
has become scratched metal,
unable to grasp
the truth of the now.
.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Esker
Fri, 2016-07-01 19:33
deeply philosphically
moving
painting a seascene
or the emotive
power of human
endurance and survival
U do both well
and for all living
is something we
strive and whats
best for us!
thank U!
Esker
Sun, 2016-07-03 04:33
I see what U mean now
all the analogies metaphor
value...the meaning
of meaning
the mar of life
losing the gift that
which was given in
our eye
the impression remains
memory
thank U!
judyanne
Mon, 2016-07-04 01:33
thanks so very much
for the very supportive crits
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
eleanor prince
Sat, 2016-07-02 06:33
Really enjoyed your poem - it
Really enjoyed your poem - it feels innovative in style and interesting in content. At first a line jarred a bit but I'm not sure how to correct it, if at all...warming to it:
as past and future
merge to today,
Thought at first to delete 'to today' as it feels a bit cumbersome repetition of 'to', and I felt it would suggest today anyway... Maybe:
as past and future
meet this day (or: 'merge to the present')
Loved:
within the violence of
forgotten illusion
judyanne
Mon, 2016-07-04 01:35
hello eleanor
Glad you enjoyed this
Thanks so much for your thoughts - I will think about your suggestion
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
judyanne
Mon, 2016-07-04 04:10
a couple of small alterations....
what do you think?
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
eleanor prince
Mon, 2016-07-04 19:10
to judy
love this... it's like music!! :)
vandiemenspeak
Sun, 2016-07-03 03:31
Feels like a song of another country
A lost country, a past that was perfect, untarnished. The future uncertain. i particularly liked the symbol of the coin, scratched away, losing it's meaning, as though a coin toss would mean nothing, perhaps? Very prescient given our current situation down here. loved this Judy, nothing to suggest :)
Take care,
Chris.
Chris Hall - Tasmania
Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.
judyanne
Mon, 2016-07-04 01:36
hi Chris
Thanks heaps for the read and very supportive comment
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
eleanor prince
Mon, 2016-07-04 19:13
Re vandiemenspeak's comment
beautifully said and love the coin analogy... top stuff