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Eye for an Eye. (Serious Limerick WS)
Guns keep booming with no end in sight
bombs keep dropping with all the might
war being fought, tooth and nail
bleeding bodies leaving a trail
no glimmer of light, this fateful night
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
wesley snow
Sat, 2014-11-01 16:19
Good poem.
Poor limerick. Subject aside, it is almost a mystical taboo to change the rules and your lines three and four are way too long. It's a loose sort of anapest that I'm going to let Jess explain because he understands this form a lost better than I do.
The rhyme scheme was right, but the meter is troubled throughout. Jess's suggestion is to read a lot of other limericks. That's hard for me because I don't much care for the tawdry.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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lovedly
Sat, 2014-11-01 16:35
and Jess kicked me out at the
rehearsal very stage as a pea
limy is no ma cup of tea
chai they say
so i shall stay away
let loved out of the arena be
weirdelf
Sun, 2014-11-02 21:13
did I kick you out?
really?Quote me the URL.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
raj
Sat, 2014-11-01 16:40
Thanks Wesley
for providing insights. I will work on the meter and line lenghts of Lines 3 & 4
Regards.
raj (sublime_ocean)
raj
Sat, 2014-11-01 16:50
Wesley how about the short lines 3 & 4 and rhythm now?
Guns keep booming with no end in sight
bombs keep dropping with all the might
all tooth and nail
with a bloody trail
no glimmer of hope this night
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
wesley snow
Sat, 2014-11-01 18:27
Hot damn.
I do believe you've got it chap. Now do it again. I can't seem to write a serious one to save me.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
wesley snow
Sat, 2014-11-01 16:41
Personally
I think this is harder than it looks.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
lovedly
Sat, 2014-11-01 21:49
u just won the tee shirt
JESS Brand
weirdelf
Sun, 2014-11-02 21:15
You did not win the T-shirt!
Don't put words in my mouth.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
raj
Sun, 2014-11-02 02:07
Thanks Gemma for your time
Thanks Gemma for your time and proposing some tweaks. I feel the length of line 3 needs to be shorter and rhythm in line 5 needs to be looked at. I will wait Jess to give his inputs.
Thanks once again...
raj (sublime_ocean)
wesley snow
Sat, 2014-11-01 20:25
I don't know why I bother.
Where's iambic tetrameter when you need it?
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
Ian.T
Sun, 2014-11-02 11:17
Wesley
I wrote in iambic tetrameter
But became tired in my lazy boy seater
I thought why work
I’m not a jerk
It made me sit and titter
Yours, Sparrow. La, La.
.
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