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The Old Forest Tree
The old forest tree is sad.
Her crown of branches raises high,
barren of green leaves.
Her thick, buttress roots
spread across the weeping ground,
where its breath, halted.
The forest is ruined,
for the sake of Man's dream called
Civilization.
They know not the truth?!
The trees are Natures' temples
where beasts seek shelter.
Their roots brace the earth,
joining a sea of grasses,
offering their strength.
When Man slaughter them,
he renders the beasts homeless,
the soil lose its faith.
A tragic end for
long years of preserved beauty,
unappreciated.
Man built their city,
the earth burdened by weight load
from their tall buildings.
Then their recklessness
leads to many pollution,
threatening the world.
The old forest tree
can hear her agonized screams
as time passes by.
Here she stands alone,
the last living memory
of nature's beauty.
The old forest tree is sad.
The gentle wind understands
but Man is still blind.
Comments
Rula
Fri, 2014-07-04 06:36
sad
Yes, Man has destructed with much cruelty and it looks like being endless whatever efforts and conferences done
I think the piece can make use of some full-stops to close the stanzas.
Ps. Dream....2nd S last line ( dreams?)
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alidzain
Fri, 2014-07-04 11:29
Hi Rula
this piece is still in the works. what I mean to say is that Man dream of creating cities and destroy nature to create space for that dream to be carved in the fabrics of reality. The forest is representing nature throughout the world that is being recklessly desecrated.
Alid
alidzain
Fri, 2014-07-04 14:37
Hi Rula
I've done some edits and I need you to tell me what you think about them. Thank you.
Alid
weirdelf
Fri, 2014-07-04 06:38
Descriptive, but no oomph.
you have chronic cliche-itis, Alidzain. My only two pieces of advice are
1. Read a lot of really good poetry so you can learn the difference between original expression and cliche
2. Grow some testicles and apportion blame wit insight, ideology and vitriol so that your poetry might actually make people think about why these atrocities are committed and think how to stop them.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
alidzain
Fri, 2014-07-04 11:54
Hi Jess
I did read good poetry though I suspected it will be awhile before I can say I've read enough with the time I can spare. All I can say is I'll try. I'm not giving up yet.
Thanks for the visit and the comments.
Alid
Truth is I'm not sure if I an live up to your expectations any time soon. It will take years, Jess but I'm not gonna give up.
weirdelf
Fri, 2014-07-04 12:08
Let me just add,
you must notice wild swings in the level of criticism and the compassion or not with which I deliver it. Don't take it personally, it only reflects my wildly swinging nature, although whether I say it nicely or not, my critique is always honest.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Sat, 2014-07-05 18:18
But Jess
we can't always come up with solutions. Does this mean that we failed to reach the reader's heart? I don't think so.
Sometimes we need to rant, to express our feelings. Other times we point out and hit on the nail.
Can you tell me how many times you could come up with an original idea or a solution for such a big problem like the one Khalid is presenting here. I really would like to read such a thing to learn. Even the greatest poets didn't. I think we need to be reasonable in our critiques , to construct not to distruct.
At least what I think.
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weirdelf
Mon, 2014-07-07 20:14
We can try
and prayer does definitely not count. If there was an interventionist god it must be help accountable for all evil as well as god or admit to non-omnipotence
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Fri, 2014-07-04 12:11
Edit you profile and tell us some of your favourite poets,
it will help us help you.
Who are your Favourite poets?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Sat, 2014-07-05 18:11
Hello Khalid
I must say I like your revisions and what you add to make this a more lively descriptive piece.
I have few thoughts though if you don't mind.
[The]Old willow is sad...... ( to give the tree more specification, maybe?]
Her crown of branches raised high, [raises... to keep the same tense]
barren of green leaves.
Her thick, buttress roots
spread across the weeping ground [,]
where its breath, halted [.]
The forest is ruined,
for the sake of Man's dream called
Civilisation. [civilization]
They know not the truth! [?!]
The trees are Natures' temples
where beasts seek shelter [.] I like this stanza very much
Their roots braced the earth, [brace]
joining a sea of grasses,
offering their strength [.]
When Man slaughtered them, [slaughter]
rendering the beasts homeless, [he renders]
the soil lose its faith [.]
A tragic end for
long years of preserved beauty,
unappreciated [.]
Man built their city,
the earth burdened by weight load
from their tall buildings [.]
Then their recklessness
leads to many pollution,
threatening the world [.]
The poor old willow
can hear her agonized screams [ does "her" here refers to the willow itself? does she hear her own screams ?]
as time passes by.
Here she stands alone,
the last living memory
of nature's beauty [.] another stanza I like a lot
[The]Old willow is sad.
The gentle wind understands
but Man is still blind. [.]
Again, as I said I like this piece very much and all I added are minors, but Wesley always taught me that I must befriend the punctuation marks, so when I or someone discard them I feel sad :)
And ah, I must say I have learned some few words too. :) so thank you.
Please take what you like and leave what you don't. It is at the end yours
Thanks for sharing sir.
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alidzain
Sun, 2014-07-06 02:17
Shukran, Rula
The poor old willow
can hear her agonized screams ("her" here refers to the threatened world as in the stanza before this one )
as time passes by.
I'll do the edits now.
Alid
Rula
Sun, 2014-07-06 02:28
"Afuan" عفوا
You're the most welcome sir!
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lovedly
Mon, 2014-07-07 21:05
Forget old women or willows...
Grow some testicles....
as Jess suggests
I have big ones now
I grew big...long and taller in stature... by Jess's kicks it did matter
'I dissolved my cancerous ego
and am free about the INTERNET to go
write poetry on humanity let willows weep
take it or leave it ur wish
OH U SAID OLD FOREST
I THOUGHT THE WILLOW
WAS A WOODOW
TC UR POETRY IS lovely
all about trees
alidzain
Sun, 2014-07-06 01:04
lovedly
ah, but there's a flaw if we forget them. The mistakes of the past can't be corrected by ignoring them. Humans are pretty much dependent on nature's stability in balance. We are a part of it. Pollution upsets it. Anyway, one can't really write about humanity when one forgets old women, they are humans too. lol
I love to write about nature my friend. as for the emm balls, mine is just the right size, I'm sure. hehe. Sorry, can't resist the joke. Thanx for the visit and the comment.
Alid
lovedly
Sun, 2014-07-06 10:54
YEAH they all tell me
about
MANDOLINAS AND BOLLORINASS
WOW OTHERS r smallerreinas
Ian.T
Sun, 2014-07-06 03:58
Alid
Now lets get the nice bits over with, I think that the whole theme is fine and covers a load of feelings we have about nature and our integration with it.
Jess has picked up the odd cliché, well I would like to see these pointed out, but he is right about the harsh reality we should bring in apportioning blame if we are going to write on things that are someone's fault.
Now I am going into the realm of Forests.
I am not sure about this Willow tree, the willow is in our country here found near streams and wet places, it has been used by man for ever to make baskets and other holding vessels as it can be woven to form many things, we have three laundry baskets here made from Willow, it was used a long time ago as fence posts along river banks to stop cattle going into the rivers but as the posts mostly took root as the Willow will do a lot of rivers here are lined with those trees all spaced at regular intervals.
There are places it is planted near water that they harvest each year for making baskets and things, but the willow is seldom found in woods or forests.
Not sure which tree you can use but I guess a hard wood one that grows tall in the forests all over the world.
Come back to me on the choice of trees as it is interesting as to what may happen in other countries.
Yours Ian.T
PS:- Asprin the medicine comes from the bark of the willow tree and cricket bats and hockey sticks use are made from their wood, a supple wood that has strength..
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
alidzain
Sun, 2014-07-06 04:22
now that's a bummer
lol. i got to do some searching. Admittedly, I choose willow because I thought it sounds better for the flow without really thinking about the tree. Must have mistaken it for another. Any ideas? Oak just wont do.
Alid
Ian.T
Sun, 2014-07-06 04:34
Alid
There are some beautiful old hardwood trees in the rain forests and other forests that have roots that you can see spreading out in ridges, no matter how strong their wood is, they are killed by man just as easily.
I always remember that an old Japanese man said to his son one day, there is a Typhoon coming tie yourself to the Bamboo not the Oak tree, his son asked why, he said that the Bamboo would give with the wind where the oak tree would snap.
I have many useless pieces of information, hope I am useful LOL, Take care out there and walk tall, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..