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icarus
her love lifted me to the Sun,
The heart-break moulted my wings,
i crashland into a sea of despair.
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Sat, 2012-12-15 03:26
mixed metaphor
Icarus flew too close to the sun, not to angelic heights.
It spoils such a short poem.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Wed, 2014-06-18 04:03
Better
I like this short piece, it affects me.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Ian.T
Wed, 2014-06-18 18:58
Zeus
You could have saved Icarus from falling, I read both the original and the edited piece and as Jess says it is the second version that s true to myth.
Yet another picture of heartbreak, we build things up and sometimes have to be there when they come crashing down.
The way is eternal, a good write!
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
weirdelf
Thu, 2014-06-19 05:56
Zeussirius
it is considered polite to reply, or at least acknowledge, commentary given to your poem. You are welcome to disagree with critique given.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Zeussirius
Tue, 2014-06-24 16:01
Thanks to everyone who
Thanks to everyone who commented and I am sorry for not replying on time, I've been busy. So I should go with the second version right?
weirdelf
Wed, 2014-06-25 11:04
I would
it just makes more sense. Just my opinion.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Zeussirius
Fri, 2014-06-27 14:23
The second version it is,
The second version it is, thank you everyone. Cheers.