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my Pop

Submitted by judyanne on Wed, 2010-11-10 14:06

I remember the love that shone for me
from bright summer-sky-blue eyes,
warm, strong arms that held me tight
in hellos and in goodbyes.
I remember a gentle sing-song voice
encouraging me on my way.
A wisp of a man with a wrinkled, lined face
I loved more every day.

I remember cheese and chocolates
and really knobbly knees
where I sat and smelled the taste of tobacco
while learning my ABCs.
I remember a silver fob-watch;
a back shed so full of treasures
and colourful elastic braces
supporting socks and trousers.

I remember conversations
had while I was growing
of his life and loves and trials and dreams.
His history was overflowing
with such interesting, sad, happy stories
I well should write a book
but the sorry fact is I can’t remember much
apart from the love in his look.

I remember growing older
with children of my own.
taking them to visit him, he loved
to measure them, see how they’d grown.
But visits grew less frequent
as lives grew more hectic
with increasing responsibilities
it was only to be expected....

I remember him growing frailer
neither able to see nor hear
his great-grand-children standing by his bedside
nor take them on his knee.

I remember it was a more than a few months
I had last visited him
when he died alone one winter night.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Comments

judyanne

Wed, 2010-11-10 14:43

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i purposely repeated the 'i remember' as i wanted to emphasise the loss / past
i also was purposely attempting to lose the rhythm to show the change - the aging and the change in the relationships
it obviously didn't have the effect intended
i'll wait for others thoughts on it maybe before i review.

thanks heaps and i take what you say on board
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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judyanne

Fri, 2010-11-12 08:05

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i wanted to emphasise the 'few'
i'll reconsider as you stumbled.

yes - i loved my grandfather very much...

love
judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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judyanne

Fri, 2010-11-12 08:08

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my father and both my grandfathers had bright sky blue eyes - so has my son - the summer sun shone/shines from them.

thanks for the support
and letting me know which part you liked best...
love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2010-11-12 14:11

Hooded Stranger's picture

Judy,

I have read this wonderful piece through a few times and my first impression, as previously mentioned by China Blue, was that the word 'remember' was perhaps repeated too much.

that said, it actually works better because of the repeated word...funny how a few extra reads can change your mind.

I am now completely sold on the repeated use of the word. The emphasis is so very clear and that word is actually the heart beat of this piece.

Good poem, great structure and with just enough emotion...good job indeed.

HS

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judyanne

Sat, 2010-11-13 02:22

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thanks for the visit and supportive comment
i have actually taken out two 'i remember's
i re-read and felt chrys was correct - a couple too many, i think it reads better but has still retained the 'heart beat' (thank you)
love
judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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scribbler

Fri, 2010-11-12 20:09

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I liked the unforced rhyme of this touching write. Forgive me for not having time to really critique but things, I hope, will slow down here soon......stan

judyanne

Sat, 2010-11-13 02:26

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it's just lovely to know you're still here
i know what you mean - hectic... i've actually taken on a management position at work which means i have even less time here at the moment
so i understand when people just say 'hi' and, hopefully, that they liked it
and you have said why - so that's a crit.....

love
judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

magics02

Fri, 2010-11-12 23:03

Hello Aussie Mom
Very nice write

Some stumbles for me just a few bit

of his life and loves and trials and dreams
my suggest
(of his life and loves, trials and dreams) omit the extra and

I well should write a book
( this line through me off)

perhaps this is just my opinion but letting you know what the Denizen thinking:)
all in honesty and review here.

I do love how you speak of dad, the love shines through

Love Mona

judyanne

Sat, 2010-11-13 02:27

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thank you
'i well should' is an expression i use.....
love and hugs
judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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Psyve

Sat, 2010-11-13 03:48

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I enjoyed your latest post ("Untitled") and thoughti'd check out your other work.

This one did not dissappoint either. I very much like the slightly melancholic timbre of your poem.
The regret you speak of is one several of us live with.

The sad truth is trhat we are unable to do all we should for our parents, as they grow older and need our love and companionship more and more.

I will not critique this on a technical level, others have already done so, but wanted you to know your poem touched me.

Psyve

judyanne

Sat, 2010-11-13 08:12

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this was about my grandfather
i'm so lucky that i was with my father when he died

thank you for the compliment of saying you have enjoyed my work so far
love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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mand

Sat, 2010-11-13 04:27

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I came back to see your reply only to discover I hadn't posted my comment!! ha ha ..

Your father sounds wonderful Judy. You had a lovely childhood - your father left you with such wonderful memories. He would be overjoyed to know how happy he had made you.

You took us through a journey of joy.

Thanks for sharing

Love Mand xxxxxxx

judyanne

Sat, 2010-11-13 08:16

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this was about my grandfather
but you're right - i was very gifted with my parents and grandparents

love to you mand
i've taken on a new job for the moment that will be taking up a bit more of my time....
i will try to keep up with everyone a couple of times a week
it really does get away once you've fallen behind...

love and hugs
judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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