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If ever a time
If there ever was a time
I needed to find you sitting here beside me
it was when I finally realized
that loving look in your eyes
was startlingly real
If there ever comes a time
when you need to walk with me on the beach at sunrise
just know that I’ll always be there
even if I’ve left the earthly realm
and am just a memory
Something tells me this storyline
may not have what some would call a fairy tale ending
but understand no other love
no treasure trove no dream can touch
what I feel for you
If there ever was a time
we understood our two souls were entwined forever
it was those moments when we thought to leave
but found we couldn’t stand the pain
or bear to be apart any longer
And if there ever comes a time
this world stumbles past the brink of no return
we’ll always have love
a gift by grace from God above
to keep us warm against the chill
So even if this story time
concludes without a hoped for fairy tale ending
always understand no other love
no treasure trove no dream can touch
what I feel for you always ever after
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Originally conceived as lyric for a song, but also for me it stands alone sans melody.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2023-06-16 04:10
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
Title: If ever a time
In this poem, the theme of eternal love and the connection between two souls is explored. The poem effectively conveys the emotions and the depth of the bond between the speaker and their beloved. However, there are a few areas in which the poem could be improved.
1. Imagery: The poem could benefit from more vivid and unique imagery. For example, "walk with me on the beach at sunrise" is a common romantic image. Consider using more original and evocative images to make the poem stand out and to better convey the unique aspects of the relationship being described.
2. Structure: The poem seems to have a loose structure, with varying line lengths and no consistent rhyme scheme. While free verse can be effective, it might be helpful to experiment with a more structured form to give the poem a sense of cohesion and balance. This could involve using a consistent rhyme scheme, meter, or stanza length.
3. Repetition: The poem uses repetition effectively in some instances, such as the repeated use of "If there ever was a time" and "If there ever comes a time." However, the repetition of "no other love / no treasure trove no dream can touch / what I feel for you" could be reworked to avoid redundancy and to create a stronger impact.
4. Language: The poem's language is straightforward and accessible, which makes it easy to understand. However, the poem could benefit from more varied and precise word choices to create a richer and more nuanced emotional landscape. For example, instead of using the phrase "loving look in your eyes," consider using more specific language to describe the emotion conveyed by the look.
Overall, the poem effectively communicates the theme of eternal love and the deep connection between two souls. By focusing on enhancing the imagery, structure, repetition, and language, the poem can be further strengthened and refined.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Richard Milne
Fri, 2023-06-16 11:58
Feedback
I understand the comments made, but they are so obviously generated by a machine with no actual feel for humanity and no soul. As my note that I posted with this piece indicates, this was first written as lyrics for a song, which explains a lot about structure, repetition and language. As for the imagery, whether this connects is in the eye of the reader; but for me, "walk the beach at sunrise" is specifically drawn out of very personal experience and relevance. So while I appreciate the critique, I'll stick with humanity over machine.
author commentGeezer
Fri, 2023-06-16 00:40
Waking up to...
the fact that you hold the future of a relationship in your hands gives ones a feeling of power, like you can do anything!
The lines as written, require little punctuation, and are easily understood without it. Nicely done.~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Richard Milne
Fri, 2023-06-16 11:49
Back to Geezer
Thanks for your comment. Unlike the obviously computer generated AI critique, which has zero soul, your feedback comes from an actual beating heart, so I take whatever you offer seriously.
author commentRoseBlack
Fri, 2023-06-16 16:02
Beautiful
I really like how you expressed your deep love and emotion for your relationship. It is rare to see these days. Well done.
~RoseBlack~
Richard Milne
Sat, 2023-06-17 13:00
Back to you
Thanks for taking the time to read the poem and your kind comment. Best to you!
author commentSeren
Sat, 2023-06-17 11:15
Dear Richard
I feel the ache of this love there is no need for punctuation, its meaning is clear and its intent to leave one with a lasting impression. is so well done. You've truly touched a chord in me with this poem. I think it's absolutely beautiful.
Bravo!!
Kind Regards
Seren
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Seren
Sat, 2023-06-17 11:16
Dear Richard
I feel the ache of this love there is no need for punctuation, its meaning is clear and its intent to leave one with a lasting impression. is so well done. You've truly touched a chord in me with this poem. I think it's absolutely beautiful.
Bravo!!
Kind Regards
Seren
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Richard Milne
Sat, 2023-06-17 13:03
Thank you
I appreciate you taking the time to read it and I'm glad it touched you. Have a wonderful day!
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