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I wish you’d kissed me
I wish you’d kissed me
Can I tell you that?
Masochistically
I am pleased that you didn’t.
If you had,
The faint image of your face
wouldn’t mist my eyes
and I wouldn’t long
to longingly stare
up
into those pale blue eyes
Which, like a deep blue sea,
I wish to sail into,
Drifting…
further …
away from land …
with your waves
crashing against me.
I lean my head backwards
And my eyes roll restlessly back with it;
My shoulders desperately try
To grasp it,
Attempting to mimic
your hands holding me.
I can feel them now,
Those generous fingers,
softly sifting through my hair,
Cupping my head in your palms
like a globe
as you pick a destination
to explore.
You trace your journey
along my jawline
and I mould into a piece of clay.
You could drop me at any moment,
But I know you won’t.
I can see those freckles now,
The ones that adorn your face
and cascade
down your neck;
they collect
into a swirling pool on your chest
And I wish to drink from there.
I wish to soothe and satiate
the thirst
that clings
to
my
tongue.
Does the rain fall
All over
the dunes of your skin,
the mountains of your knees
and the valleys in-between?
In this drought,
I am in dry dock.
Your waves are not here to wash me away.
So, I’ll wait
Until your body of water returns,
Weighing anchor
when the westerly wind warns me that
You’ll kiss me.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2024-01-26 19:50
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem effectively uses vivid and sensual imagery to convey longing and desire. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement.
Firstly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of metaphor. The sea imagery is introduced in the middle of the poem and then abruptly abandoned. If the sea is a central metaphor, consider introducing it earlier and maintaining it throughout the poem to create a more cohesive narrative.
Secondly, the line "Does the rain fall / All over / the dunes of your skin, / the mountains of your knees / and the valleys in-between?" introduces a new metaphor (desert) which might be confusing to some readers. It might be more effective to stick to one central metaphor (sea) and develop it fully.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more careful use of language. For example, the phrase "I wouldn’t long / to longingly stare" is somewhat redundant. Consider revising for clarity and precision.
In conclusion, the poem has a strong emotional core and effectively uses imagery to convey longing. With some refinement, it could be even more impactful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
Fri, 2024-01-26 22:50
I Wish You'd Kiss Me
Hello, Floz,
I believe this is your first poetry post? Welcome!
So intriguing! There is the strong desire, and then the denial of the desire to be kissed. And then the intense anticipation and the dream of the kiss happening - all the motions, emotions and sensations coming into play. Nice imagery and vivid, suggestive language. This is a poem about passion, to be read as almost one long sentence or thought, with the narrator barely able to take a breath throughout. I'm wondering about the word "masochistically" - I understand that it sets up the next thought, but it also jars the rhythm a bit, interrupts that lovely start of what is to become a build up of emotion and heat. Maybe remove it and let the imagination freely take over? I love all the language that follows...I do wonder why some words are in caps and others in lower case. It confused the sentence structure for me. With such dream-like thoughts throughout, I might be tempted to leave everything in lower case, use no punctuation except question marks in their proper place. Make this as light and energetic as possible. Sorry for going on...this is a beauty in language, theme, and imagery. Just needs to be gently dusted and polished.
Again, welcome! I look forward to reading more of your work!
Lavender
Candlewitch
Sat, 2024-01-27 18:15
hello Floz,
Welcome to Neopoet! I hope you find a home here for your poetry. It is very nice to meet you. your poem looks like something I would enjoy reading! I have to get off the computer now, I will return tomorrow morning to read it and comment on it.
*hugs, Cat
*
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