She speaks
In a velvet voice
Fit for angels
But not to me

Spending time with her is a gift

A feeling
Like my stomach is caving in
I can't breath
I'm nervous
Around her
Thinking about her

Worrying
Wondering
Wanting to know everything
About her

Her

Waterloo's an historic battlefield, c'est vrai,
Quite near to Brussels (or one of its alternative spellings
in the gorgeously flat land of the Belgians
and also where the sprouts come from, which are,
as well you know, an exciting cause of gas expelled per anum).
FARRRRPPP!

O let us sing a song of gorgeous British food
Roast beef, fish 'n' chips and lovely Brummy balti;
Some of it is bad and some of it is good
(and yummy TV dinners...Mmmmm... they're really salty).
But the finest treats are Findus beef lasagne
(with its extra secret subtle basinful of horse),
And ne'er forget a burger a la espa-na-ya,
(made from minced-up donkeys' genitals of course).

i. In the days which preceedeth the Great Carrot War, when all the rabbits of God's earth were still trying, with great reluctance, to live together in mutual lapine love, there lived a tribe of big, fat, selfish, greedy rabbits.

ii. And they were known as the yank-rabbits and they lived the Great Rabbit Dream. And it was shallow forsooth.

How well do I recall with pride that wonderful surprise,
A telegram to say I'd won Australia's greatest prize,
The Rupert Murdoch cup for poetry - what a beaut;
Return flights on Qantas, free motels, a rented Ute.

I sat on the silvery 'plane as it flew South to Perth
Which I’d heard was one of most bonza spots on Earth;
I introduced myself to the plump bird sitting next to me
Who was a lecturer in marsupial gynaecol-ogy.

Now that I am getting older
My tastes in food and sex
Are getting so much bolder
Why, I'll even try Tex-Mex.

I loved to sit on a hard dicky
And give a good legover
But I now prefer a choccy bikky
Or a Strawberry Pavlova.

Getting old is not much fun
So I may as well keep on eating;
'Cos no one wants to poke my bun
And sexual pleasure's fleeting.

The bombs fell down on Dresden
And so many other annihilated German cities:
Hamburg and Kiel and Pforzheim...
I could go on and on...
Hundreds of thousands died
In agony and terror and fire-bomb flames;
Burnt to a crisp, fried in their own fat.

as you well know as I do
online dating may have its ups and downs
and in this way after a lot of useless meetings
with symptoms tragic and unpleasant oft
I decided to spread my wings
so I logged on to the website of lonely australian
kangaroo and koala bear lovers
called name of www.aussie-legover.com.au
where in the backhole love is not prohibited
and soon I reached a promising friendship
with someone who looks like a real goer

The old man stared at the mirror in disbelief
As he dabbed on a little of his favourite fragrance:
‘Le Male’ by Jean-Paul Gaultier.
Was that really him, that saggy-faced creature?
He plucked out an intruding grey hair,
An intruder in his masculine, black, bushy eyebrows;
He had hoped his boyish good looks were still there,
Although a little frayed, a little worn by time.

I am wholeheartedly in favour
Of feminism, it's so great.
Women's rights are so important in this world
After all they comprise over fifty percent
Of the human race
And they do the washing up real good.
I just wish some of the more militant bitches
Would stop bleeding all over
The toilet seat:
It's fucking unhygienic.