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A Heart that was Saved (Revision)
I have lived long
In the darkness
Of my woods
Without
the light of day
Looking up
at the canopy
While its ebony color
Leaving no room for a star
To shine the way
A life lived
In unawareness
Yet knowing
That somewhere life
Was not held at bay
In the past
There had been
A moment ever so fleeting
Which had awakened
The springs of May
My heart was dead
Not expecting more
Then what I could see
Just ahead
A grave where I would lay
Unexpectedly
A spark
Seen as a pinhole
penetrated the vast blackness
Adding translucent light to the gray
Your world slipped
Into mine
Happiness came dancing
Into all my empty space
And my heart was finally
saved
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Region & Country
New York City, N.Y. Spanish Harlem
Favorite Poets
P. Neruda, Jose de Diego, E. Dickenson, R. Frost, there are many more, but these had the greatest influence...
Comments
Eduardo Cruz
Tue, 2011-08-23 17:08
Rosi
the canopy is in the woods no tent the trees have covered the light, because they're overgrown to cover love from coming in.
then, than is correct thanks.
no omittion.
thanks Rosi for the read.
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentBarbara Writes
Mon, 2011-08-22 21:28
this is really beautiful Eddie
I love how you made love come through the darkness as a light through a pinhole. the black canopy covering overhead really made this a special love poem without the mushy stuff LOL
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
Eduardo Cruz
Tue, 2011-08-23 17:10
much mush.
yeah I tried to keep it out. i didn't want the reader to wade through it.
thanks Barbara.
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentlou
Tue, 2011-08-23 22:50
Awww Eddie's in love
This a a beautiful poem, loved it.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Eduardo Cruz
Wed, 2011-08-24 12:16
lou,
I thank you very much!
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentmagics02
Wed, 2011-08-24 00:21
All I can say is this
Eddie
You are really coming into yourself quite well and stronger through your poetry and your heart is speaking through those written words. Proud of you guy. Smile Che Bello
Ms Mona
xox
Eduardo Cruz
Wed, 2011-08-24 12:20
Mona
I am trying to find that place in me, (my center) that will flow without to much thought. Anna mentioned it to me not to long ago. funny but I love dark poetry. Yet I keep writing these verses of love. well I guess it's better to be in the moment and take full advantage of it while it is.
thanks sweetie
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentloved
Wed, 2011-08-24 12:47
If only I could emulate you my friend..
towards the woods,
i shall run
at my final end
..............Your world slipped
into mine
happiness came dancing
into all my empty space
and my heart was finally
saved.....................................just wonderful
....but mine will be put to rest
sayeth Loved...
loved
Eduardo Cruz
Wed, 2011-08-24 16:04
Loved
It is I who wish to "emulate" your freedom.
Thank you so very much!
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentloved
Wed, 2011-08-24 18:11
thanks
u help me wipe
my eye with a tear
twas twiching since morning
how i wish
i had read your review
how lovely and so true
that's why all Neopoets
luv uuuuuuuuuuu
loved
Eduardo Cruz
Wed, 2011-08-24 21:05
Loved
please don't embrass me, I'm all red in the face by your "Lovely" comment
Thank you so much!
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentscribbler
Wed, 2011-08-24 18:07
Dang!
No need for me to ever attempt a free verse love poem. No way i could top this........................stan
Eduardo Cruz
Wed, 2011-08-24 21:03
Stan,
Wow, thanks but it's not free verse.look at the meter and the last word on ever stanza. I am taken aback by your comment. I truly appreciate it coming from you My friend. respect to you and your craft.
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentscribbler
Wed, 2011-08-24 21:38
Hi
You know I'm no type expert in different forms. But I Do know what I like, and I really liked this.............stan
Eduardo Cruz
Thu, 2011-08-25 02:17
Stan,
It's not about expert, I am far from that, I can't even see the start of it.
I do though respect your wriing skill. No one turns a phrase like you.
Will enough back slapping, it's starting to hurt LMFAO
Thanks bud,
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentEduardo Cruz
Thu, 2011-08-25 20:56
Lonnie
Pretty much!
Thanks Bud,
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2011-08-26 05:04
Well crafted!
And an excellent progression of meaning.
My only crit
and my heart said hooray [hooray? oh come on! You can do better than that.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Eduardo Cruz
Fri, 2011-08-26 15:23
Jess,
Of course it would be you to see that I just shanked that one. LMFAO It's ok, if you have a word that will not change any of the write I will put it in. In the mean time, it will stay as is.
Savanah Beach!
Thanks Jess, Respect to you.
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2011-08-26 18:16
the trick is, not find a better rhyme,
but go back to the previous line and make them both work better.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Eduardo Cruz
Fri, 2011-08-26 21:19
Jess,
Shit, I miss this comment. Now this was help. I take back what i said in the other comment reply.
Thanks Jess,
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentEduardo Cruz
Fri, 2011-08-26 17:10
Rosi,
That's good, but if you look at the last word of every stanza. it will lose the rythm, (ay)
Thanks sweeetie
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2011-08-26 18:20
p.s eddie, virtually every comment on this page
is gushing flattey, and does not help you. I don't reply to fatuous comments, they are not helpful.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Eduardo Cruz
Fri, 2011-08-26 21:14
Jess,
You're complaining, why not just help. Forget what you think of the rest of the comments just do what you do best and explain what you think of it. Let me hear it, if you truly want to help. you see what HS wrote, and Rosi. those are opinions that I can look at. You just said you can do better. I am sure I can. I feel if you voice an opinion, then you must qualify it. Yes, do you agree.
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentweirdelf
Sat, 2011-08-27 02:56
I agree
and apologise
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Eduardo Cruz
Sun, 2011-08-28 21:30
Jess,
No worries
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentHooded Stranger
Fri, 2011-08-26 18:31
Hooray!
Eddie,
just looking at the rhyming sequences...Hooray seems weak.
Unexpectedly
a spark
seen as a pinhole
touched the blackness
Burning through the decay/Adding color to the perpetual grey
Just a couple of alternatives.
regards,
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
Eduardo Cruz
Fri, 2011-08-26 21:17
Dan,
that is good, I will look at that train of thought, Darkness to light is what I was looking to achieve.
Thank Buddy,
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentHooded Stranger
Sun, 2011-08-28 10:06
Eddie
Eddie,
I like the rhyming sequence you've used, you know I like a good rhyning style, which works well in a lyric, but this works well as a poem too without being a simple rhyming poem.
Good stuff,
HS
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Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
Eduardo Cruz
Sun, 2011-08-28 21:32
Thanks Dan ,
Thanks Dan ,
I appreciate that!
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentscribbler
Fri, 2011-08-26 22:21
Hm....
how about "and brought a new day"?...........stan
Eduardo Cruz
Fri, 2011-08-26 22:41
Stan,
I have already used day in the first stanza, I think I really don't want to repeat.
Thanks bud, but please keep them coming, the ideas.
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentraj
Fri, 2011-08-26 23:35
Eddie
while reading through i could sense a melancholic mood lifting after meeting a sweetheart....nicely done...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Eduardo Cruz
Sun, 2011-08-28 21:36
raj,
Yes, but deeper almost despair. Then an up lift to heaven glory like.
Thanks long time friend.
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
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