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IN A HAZE COLORLESS PALE--second revision
In a Haze Colorless Pale
The sun late afternoon
crossed the darkened room
in a haze colorless pale
dust danced in slow motion
in streams of light though the air
suffocating movements of silence
the sun began to fade
and I felt the lonliness weigh heavy
in the dim of twilight
the noise was gone
and silence spoke its mourning
as day fled into dark
like a shrouded veil
and I began to sink
into madness
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geremia
Sun, 2011-07-31 07:59
I am the dust that dances
I am the dust that dances notionless in beams of lght--the paradox of movement frozen in time,,,felt and seen by memeory[s mind..
No goodnews,my friend
joe
Geremia
Sun, 2011-07-31 15:32
Thank you, Rosinella, Good to
Thank you, Rosinella, Good to see you again.
joe
raj
Sun, 2011-07-31 15:51
Hi Joe..
melancholy very well expressed in these couplets..i liked the idea of equating yourself with the dust...perhaps as particles of bygone memories if i red it right...if so the meaning is profound...it is effective to the extent you meant it to be....
raj (sublime_ocean)
Geremia
Sun, 2011-07-31 18:32
Thank you, Raj, The dust is
Thank you, Raj, The dust is the moevment of silence, Iam going to add that tothe poem.
Joe
Kailashana2
Mon, 2011-08-01 18:41
Joe. lose the *near* in the
Joe. lose the *near* in the last line. It's more *effective*c that way. I have some other thoughts.. will be back.
~A
Geremia
Mon, 2011-08-01 19:45
ok
ok