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Everyday First Love Happens

Submitted by Barbara Writes on Tue, 2011-11-29 00:43

Everyday, first love happens
and, someone says I felt a funny feeling
traveling through my body, when I saw you

There's something about a smile,
a twinkle in an eye or lab's beaker on a burner
cooking up a lover's brew
that makes first loves' unforgettable

Even when years pass like departed souls
and making memories with others
a passing glance is enough to rekindle sparks
for the one that got away

Sometimes the one that got away
is better staying gone, and
the one you're with is still cheaper to  keep
when love is dead and sex is stale

So, whether it's first love that got away,
another love that crushed your vows and dreams, 
or a second chance at love that feels like the first
everyday, someone'll fall in love for the first time.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Sun, 2011-12-04 01:26

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Love the title and concept of the first one. I fall in love for the first time almost every day.
I think
a twinkle in an eye, a lab's beaker on a burner
could be better as 2 lines
a twinkle in an eye,
a lab's beaker on a burner.

I'll refrain from comment on the second poem in case you decide to post it separately. There are some strange ¥ symbols that seem to have popped in too.

cheers,
Jess
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Barbara Writes

Sun, 2011-12-04 16:20

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stranges keep me from boring out
Thank for the suggestion , I will make the change and post the latter poem srperately

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Barbara Writes

Sun, 2011-12-04 16:31

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yeah there is a lot in life To fall in love with everyday

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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wesley snow

Sun, 2011-12-04 22:40

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I think the two works meld quite nicely. Perhaps like a toccata and fugue, two musical pieces that use the same theme, but develop them differently and so are commonly played in complement.
So, with that in mind I will say that I liked them both. My favorite line is "Sometimes the one that got away is better staying gone." Good stuff that.
On a negative note, your spelling of "wether" is incorrect unless you meant to include a castrated sheep in the poem. I think the one you want is "whether".
wesley

W. H. Snow

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Barbara Writes

Mon, 2011-12-05 02:03

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i struggle to spell whether correctly and gave up till later
Thanks for the crit it was very helpful. I see more error . Will Make changes

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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Geezer

Mon, 2011-12-05 07:51

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if you have already taken the two apart or not, but I like it as it is now. I think you might leave out the [and] in the second line.
Also you could change the line that goes: Even when years past, like departed souls, to:

Even when years pass, like departed souls
and you are making memories with another

I feel this is really good, and deserves to be smoothed out just a little more. ~ Gee

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wesley snow

Mon, 2011-12-05 21:17

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This is a good poem and deserves a little more effort. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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