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Anna Lee ( An old takeoff with erotic overtones)
Anna Lee
Speak softly breeze of passion's moan
O'er fields fresh plowed in fertile loam
Of musky scent and maiden grown.
Stout was the tree with vigor plied
To rend the valley of earthly pride
And sweet the deaths where passions vied.
Damp the forest so freshly rent;
The seed lies planted with passions spent
And tree once stout now lying bent.
A maid she was, sweet Anna Lee
A rose of love blooms heavenly
Her petals opened - sweet ecstasy.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
That third verse was nagging me as was the fact I misspelled ecstasy.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Wed, 2011-08-17 19:08
Nicely done...
I like the rhythm and pace of this one. It adds greatly to the ambience of the piece. Very nice! ~ Gee
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Rett
Wed, 2011-08-17 22:14
Thanks Gee
I enjoyed writing this one way back. Wanted to do a simplified semi-modern takeoff on Annabel Lee, by Poe. It isn't a good takeoff on it, but adequate for what I wanted.
Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin
Geezer
Thu, 2011-08-18 09:57
Acutally...
I had the thought that it had the flavor of one of the old masters. i didn't remember that Annabel Lee was written by Poe until I went to read the original. I think you did a very adequate job! ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
raj
Thu, 2011-08-18 14:51
Rett
i am not knowledgeable about the great writes of famous poets...but this one is delicately sensuous for sure...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rett
Sun, 2011-08-21 19:11
Thank you raj
I tried. LOL
Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin
Eduardo Cruz
Sun, 2011-08-21 21:52
Rett
You dirty old man Tree's Petals, I am wondering where is this Gal, I have a tree that needs pruning. LMFAO!
what a beautiful write, you horny old dog. God Bless you that you can still do it, Write and make love. the best of both worlds.
Thanks for sharing
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Rett
Mon, 2011-08-22 21:08
LOL Eddie
I'll have you know I am NOT a dirty old man! I'm a sexy senior citizen! LOL Glad you liked it.
Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin
Candlewitch
Wed, 2011-08-24 21:15
Dear Rhett
Poe is one of my favorite poets. You have done well with Anna Lee. It is sweetly and gently erotic. The rhyme and rythem play out very well. I'd love to see what you would do with "The Raven!"
In great appreciation, Cat
*
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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Rett
Fri, 2011-08-26 23:10
Thanks Cat
I appreciate it. I have tried several times on The Raven, but haven't succeeded yet.
Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin
weirdelf
Sun, 2011-08-28 00:20
Your skill is such
that you could write this in a more narrative format.
The scansion works, it reads better.
I have taken the liberty of removing some line breaks.
See how it reads.
Hope this helps.\
Anna Lee
Speak softly breeze Of passion's moan
O'er fields fresh plowed In fertile loam
Of musky scent And maiden grown
Stout was the tree With vigor plied
To rend the valley Of earthly pride
And sweet the deaths Where passions vied
Damp the forest So freshly rent
The seed lies planted With passions spent
And tree once stout Now lying bent
A maid she was Sweet Anna Lee
A rose of love Blooms heavenly
Her petals opened Sweet ecstasy
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rett
Sun, 2011-08-28 15:32
Much thanks Jess
I like it a lot. Gracious amigo.
Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin