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6 PM
The other side of the mirror
takes you to your desire,
where you wish to be you are.
There is brick, trees and cloudless blue sky
stretched, blurred and distorted
atop seemingly still water moving
to the fall, away from the distant reflection.
You walk by Vandenberg’s Pavilion
Where the river's shallow
is like glass – clear to bottom.
But stretching from that far side
is the rich sound of train rumble,
you cannot see it,
but yes, the trucks – unheard.
You pass so many detached souls
strolling or running and children hopping.
Jays and crows squawk in their talk,
you think about talking - to them .
Style / type:
Free verse
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2023-08-18 04:50
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "6 PM" exhibits a strong sense of place and evokes a vivid sensory experience. The descriptions of the environment, such as "brick, trees and cloudless blue sky," "seemingly still water moving," and "the rich sound of train rumble," effectively transport the reader to the scene.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of punctuation and line breaks to guide the reader's rhythm and pacing. For example, the line "where you wish to be you are" might be clearer with punctuation to indicate the intended phrasing.
The transition from the physical environment to the "detached souls" could be smoother. The sudden shift from concrete descriptions to the abstract concept of "detached souls" might confuse readers.
The ending line, "you think about talking - to them," introduces a new idea that could be developed further. The poem could explore why the speaker considers communicating with the birds and what that suggests about their state of mind or their relationship with their surroundings.
The poem's strength lies in its vivid imagery and sensory details, which could be enhanced by refining the structure and developing the themes introduced towards the end.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
Wed, 2023-08-23 12:56
6PM
Hello, Mark,
Interesting poem. I can tell you how it speaks to me. The mirror "reflects" whom we desire to be, and how we desire life to be - especially in one of our favorite places. I love the description of Vanderberg's Pavilion. Is it a real place? A 6pm train? I can relate to the disconnect to other human beings. Many times I go to parks to simply people-watch without speaking very much to anyone, often listening and learning from the surrounding birds.
Thank you!
L