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blaze

Submitted by Esker on Thu, 2011-03-03 12:18

lay awkward
bent beneath
bright and bitter

the hue ascribed
is sweet magic
and the hunger
lightens a smile
and we can see
for miles

the river is clean
and the night is
cold
all these transpositions
forgo
the embrace that never
heals
the tear upon our earthly
souls

let sleep slip us free
to wing the breeze
where fiery stars
glaze this seperate
place
where we stray
but never stay

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Esker

Thu, 2011-03-03 12:20

Esker's picture

wrote this fast
like all of them
dont like the ending
stumbles and I didnt put
in the line break

am lost in a summer feild
I know whom Im with
how the years are cruel
sometimes

still its a fond memory
and how the dreams
awaken all the details
lost
the shipwrecked era
and treasures cost

author comment

loved

Thu, 2011-03-03 12:45

loved's picture

Why Is Lately I Have Found

When some one says

Kill
I read it as
Kiss

When someone says

Erratic
I read as
Erotic

And now
You say
Blaze
I read it as
Ablaze

Wow
What should I do?

Do me erase?
But don't
Amaze!

loved

Esker

Thu, 2011-03-03 12:55

Esker's picture

wow Im glad you see it as thus
for I think that is the correct word

now you have me thinking

thank you

author comment

loved

Thu, 2011-03-03 20:26

loved's picture

walking
waking
taking
talking
dictionary

u can use me

if u need to but

down load
RHYME ZONE
the words shall fall
like a waterfall
and
blaze will
become ablaze
don't daze
become one
thanx

loved

weirdelf

Thu, 2011-03-03 20:12

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

is that it usually seems to come out complete at first draft, apart from some typos. On this one, since you mention it, I may offer some suggestions.

lay awkward [who or what? I lay awkward, we lay awkward?]
bent beneath
bright and bitter

the hue ascribed
is sweet magic
and the hunger
lightens a smile
and we can see
for miles [so seldom does cliche infringe on your startlingly original mind this jumped out at me, the smile for miles rhyme?]

the river is clean
and the night is
cold
all these transpositions
forgo
the embrace that never
heals
the tear upon our earthly
souls

let sleep slip us free
to wing the breeze
where fiery stars
glaze this seperate [it is the word separate that seems to jar here but you can find something better]
place
where we stray
but never stay

hope this is of some help,

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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