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Ducks at Play
Sleepy morning visions
of ducks at play
scrape
yesterday’s misery
away.
Vapid imagines
of day-break dew,
I fathom fantasies
brand new.
Given my way
I'd savor
only
you, me,
and ducks at play.
Another Revision.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-03-01 16:45
I love this (although ducks scare me, fucknose why)
Creates a weirdly ethereal yet real picture, if that makes any sense.
My only crit would be that you seem to be pushing the point a bit hard. If you consider oneiric, dreams, imagines and visions as virtual similes it seems a bit perhaps repetitiive, perhaps or "the lady prosteth too much"?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
vexations10
Tue, 2011-03-01 17:18
Thanks
will see about changes...
vexations
author commentscribbler
Thu, 2011-03-03 22:18
hi vex
good to see you. You have always been adept at conveying much with few words. This is no exception...........scribbler
weirdelf
Thu, 2011-03-03 22:20
I like the revisions
tighter and brighter
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry