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the first christmas
the greatest of stories that ever was told
begins with a chapter that truly beguiles
with frankincense, myrrh and pure eastern gold
three master magi had journeyed for miles
and shepherds espied a magnificent sight
as jewels on the canopy soaring above
danced and imbued it in glorious light
exulting in true unconditional love
a heavenly choir sang out through the evening
an air of delight in harmonious joy
a new star was born, its radiance streaming
to shine on and welcome a new baby boy
his finger so tiny, round mum’s it is curled
his arduous destiny yet far away
a giant to be, who’ll one day change a world
so helpless and small on that first Christmas day
.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
docmaverick
Tue, 2012-12-18 09:27
This is a fineeffort....
...Ms. Judy-kins ! The only thing I saw was, in the first line: I believe I would've said, "In the greatest of stories that was ever told..."; but that is IT !
Very eloquently written,
I say, "Bully!";
sincerely...
....doc.
Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==
judyanne
Thu, 2012-12-20 09:57
thanks so much doc
if i change the first line, i would then have to change the second :)
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
docmaverick
Thu, 2012-12-20 16:48
Maybe....
..."The greatest of stories that was ever told"
"began with a chapter that truly beguiles",
...you see? It's very subtle.
Happiest of holidays for you, and yours;
doc.
Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==
judyanne
Sun, 2012-12-23 11:41
thanks doc
i'm thinking on it - but i actually like 'begins'... i see the subtle difference, and i like it the way i have it i think...
as i read it after i had written it (it was one of those poems that just happens before i know i've written one lol) i saw the tense changes - it does at the end too - but the more i changed them to all the same, the less i liked it - so i kept it at the original write (which probably wasn't mine - it belongs to one of my muses i think)
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
docmaverick
Sun, 2012-12-23 19:11
Yeah Judy....
...don't they all!
doc.
Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==
scribbler
Tue, 2012-12-18 17:33
Hi Judy
I can't find any place to change. This is a great tribute to the man who changed the way the world thinks..........stan
judyanne
Thu, 2012-12-20 09:58
thank you stan for the great
thank you stan for the great supportive comment
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
BlueDemon77
Tue, 2012-12-18 18:11
Beautiful retelling
Beatifully done, Judy. You've captured the whole in four quatrains! The imagery is very nice, the atmosphere is all encompassing.
Thanks!
Ron
BlueDemon77
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
judyanne
Thu, 2012-12-20 09:58
thanks very much ron for the
thanks very much ron for the supportive words
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)