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perfumed explosion
wow, anytime spark ...
at the very thought of it
I would have read as
there are matches (boxes)
with her perfumed fingers
she would have lighted,
a puff
a smoke
a momentary joy!
out in the fresh air and open
now buried as memories untold
between the blinds and folds,
twas those times such matches recall
when two young ones
not yet that old
would suddenly explode...
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
judyanne
Sun, 2012-10-28 05:08
a really intriguing write loved
and i really like it
- wouldn't suggest you change a thing
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
loved
Sun, 2012-10-28 06:15
you must give credit to Esker
his poem did inflame
thank that dame
both he and I
are in the same
poetic game
loved
judyanne
Mon, 2012-10-29 00:36
back for a tiny point of grammar loved
'she would have lighted,'
- 'she would have lit,'
and imo it would read better as it gives a spark of rhyme in the first part to then lead into what is at the moment unexpected rhyme in the second, as ross pointed out happens
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Ross Hamilton Hill
Sun, 2012-10-28 14:56
yes and no
I liked the opening a lot, spontaneous and unusual, and It workded for me until 'memories untold' where the rhymes of told, folds and old changed the free verse, conversational style into something closer to rap. I still liked it but the change of style is obtrusive.
loved
Mon, 2012-10-29 08:23
i read your lovely comment
it is beyond me
to correct my own poetry
others do
would you too
as I'd prefer to compose anew
maybe now
another one is due
loved
Esker
Sun, 2012-10-28 23:05
I like the title
socially I was inept
my first real girlfriend smoked
some kind of cowboy cigars
wore plaid shirts and listened
to David Bowie (Ziggy Stardust)
I didnt really hang out in the
smokers crowd where a lot
of social ness goes on
everyone done up in perfume
and cologne back then
but I remember them
envying how they moved
comfortable
I took lights in time eventually
from women
and my women at the time
Clinique my one girl wore
and something heavy and
darkly lyrical another
it was like a signature
but the explosion fits
In Sears at the perfume
counter I go in and spray
their brand and remember
narcotic memory
I like how the poem rolls
along...Your breathe much
life and vigour into these
works
Thank You Loved!
loved
Mon, 2012-10-29 00:12
whose poem yours or mine??Dear Esker
I like how the poem rolls
along...Your breathe much
life and vigour into these
works
loved
Esker
Mon, 2012-10-29 00:33
Why Your Poem of course Loved!
Like I observe much in life
I describe much
but you my dear write like you
do Live
loved
Mon, 2012-10-29 05:12
great
but the one above says it was obtrusive
was it?
loved
Esker
Mon, 2012-10-29 08:03
There is a definite line at the end of..
"open..to now"
but I do this often myself
I think it was a common storytelling poetic thing
tell a beginning story and
then drop it into the beat of poemwerk as I call it
But its nothing too abrupt
It would for me be akin to a gate
this shift in my head
or a hallway from a great room
from those lines..
Thank You
loved
Mon, 2012-10-29 08:25
you amaze me
i wonder whats with in thee
that each word
each line
becomes poetry
loved