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For My Walking Space Heater/Teddy Bear/Sun ♥
pretty as the moonlight,
she gave me saturn's rings,
she shines just like the stars at night,
and other shiny things.
a roller coaster's waiting
and the floor's covered in sand,
somehow she finds meaning
in what noone can understand.
i think we might be crazy,
it must be both, you see,
because you MUST be crazy
if you can put up with me!
a little bit of nonsense
and a magic mustard seed,
throw in a few rainbows
and that is all i need.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
complete and total nonsense to everyone but one person XD i love you person!!!
Editing stage:
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somewhere in the middle of the mountains
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Comments
Starlight
Sat, 2012-03-03 20:08
:')
AWWWWW
emogothgirl
Sat, 2012-03-03 20:13
mmmmmm
it was gonna happen sooner or later
author commentStarlight
Sat, 2012-03-03 20:22
I
couldnt agree more.!
emogothgirl
Sat, 2012-03-03 20:23
haha
just think, you contributed to a great work of art! lol
thanks,
mag
author commentNordic cloud
Mon, 2012-03-05 08:46
Oh Mustard seed, you dream
Oh the whimsical wobes of poets and odes,
why not blossom out on the next one in full crazy style
how entertaining you have been
roller coasters and Saturn rings
and all those sorts of things
loved this.
Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
emogothgirl
Mon, 2012-03-05 19:54
ann
this one was for starlight and i thought it wouldn't make a lick of sense to anyone but her, but i guess it doesn't need to make sense!
thanks,
mag
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2012-03-05 21:00
How could this...
not make sense to anyone who has ever been in love? This shines in the night like a diamond. ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
emogothgirl
Mon, 2012-03-05 21:09
good point gee
although riddled with inside jokes and cute stuf i guess it makes more sense than i thought!
thanks,
mag
author commentEduardo Cruz
Mon, 2012-03-05 22:42
i love this stanza Coney
i love this stanza Coney Island just into my mind sand ,stars and all.
"a roller coaster's waiting
and the floor's covered in sand,
somehow she finds meaning
in what noone understands."
I have one problem with the end of this stanza, the meter of the last lins seem to change for me, the stanza is a great one also but I think that something can be done with that last line.
"i think we might be crazy,
it must be both, you see,
because you MUST be crazy
if you can put up with me!"
It kind of drops with the "can put"
just my opinion I thought the poem wonderful
Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
emogothgirl
Mon, 2012-03-05 22:51
coney island, cool
i wasn't really worried about keeping it tight or anything, just trying to convey a message that everyone's seeming to get! but yes, what you've said makes sense.
thanks,
mag
author commentwesley snow
Tue, 2012-03-06 21:15
Eddie's right.
If you dump "can" in that line it fits the meter easily. Otherwise, I cannot offer you anything insulting. This is a slick poem. wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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Esker
Fri, 2012-03-09 10:32
viewer
"because YOU must be crazy
Putting up with crazy me"
just realized in thinking that my mom sang songs while working
in our home. Sarah Vaughan and Nat King Cole, country western
crooners (and Boney M in her latter years before cancer)
she was vibrant and talkative and worked hard and it was lyrics
and nursery fable poems that still circulate in my head
(maybe why Shakespeare sounded so familiar in High School)
"throw in a few bright rainbows
this is all I really need !" just my work on your poem
bright and lovely
Thank You!
emogothgirl
Fri, 2012-03-09 15:47
esker
you're always appreciated
thanks,
mag
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