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Miss You
Sorrow engulfs and smothers the heart.
Which longs to have you near
Weighing down my very soul
Excreting every single tear
Bitter thoughts blaze in my mind.
As I lay our love to rest
In fields of pink carnations
Dead leaves falling where I tread
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
A little one I wrote about missing him. Pink Carnations are a symbol of never to be forgotten and dead leaves symbol sadness. Thought maybe explaining my use for these would help with the imagery and the message being conveyed
Many thanks for reading
LG :)
Editing stage:
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Comments
LittleGift
Thu, 2020-02-13 19:55
Thank you
Hello Alan,
Many thanks for the helpful input. I will put myself to work tomorrow as it's a bit late now. Much appreciate all your sound advice. I am here to learn :)
Kindest regards
LG
LittleGift
Fri, 2020-02-14 06:53
Hello
I think I did it all. Thank you for helping me with this
Kindest regards
LG :)
LittleGift
Thu, 2020-02-13 19:57
Thanks
Thanks for the title advice, I will switch it so it's not so personal. It is not an affair, being widowed has probably been the hardest challenge for me. Sadly it does reflect in my writing. I will be sure not to share any more of this subject
Kind regards
LG
LittleGift
Fri, 2020-02-14 06:44
Thank you
Thank you Jerry, it was a human error. No harm done. People don't expect someone like me to already be widowed. He was only 30 years old. In the UK carnations, particularly pink are used at funerals. People wear them in their buttonholes. I assumed everyone would recognise that bit. My human error.
Thank you for kindness
LG
Geezer
Fri, 2020-02-14 21:49
Don't you dare...
stop being human! I was aware of you being a widow and saw right away that it was about you missing your spouse. Jerry was just trying to be helpful and suggest that you get over someone who has hurt you. You share all you want and need to with us, we are and will be respectful. Nice work, by the way!
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
LittleGift
Sun, 2020-02-16 05:57
Thank you
Thank you for your kind words and support. Sorry I missed the chat last night. Too late for me in the UK.
Thanks for reading my poem
Kind Regards
LG
Geezer
Sun, 2020-02-16 23:02
We are working...
on getting something going for our European members. We know that the time difference is a hardship on some of you. hang in there! ~ Geezer.
,.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.