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MAGIC MOMENTS
The sun squints through the distant trees,
morning? evening? doesn't matter,
as a light wind lends its cool soft tease
and far limbs make the sun light scatter.
I could be on my old back deck
or on a stand in forest,deep
listening to woodpeckers peck
as the shadows slowly creep.
For this is that magic time of change,
not quite day and not quite night,
a time a lot of folks think strange
when, somehow, all the rules take flight.
Such a time is fine by me
for then my thoughts can freely roam
ignoring age and painful knee
be I in woods or in my home.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Contest:
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Comments
raj
Wed, 2015-10-07 15:30
Once again you have worked
Once again you have worked your magic by creating the mood and imagery making it pretty easy for the reader to relate to and appreciate..
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
scribbler
Wed, 2015-10-07 22:33
Hi raj
Thank you but magic might be a bit over doing it lol.........stan
author commentSparrow
Thu, 2015-10-08 11:23
Stan
Another free thought of surroundings as you enjoy the evening, here the pain is near forgotten as the beauty of the night holds us in its velvet arms,
Yours Ian.T
PS:- what is second prize this time I enjoyed the Machu Picchu holiday, steeped (Not the altitude or slope) in mystery and at 10000 feet who lived there, was it lower down when they started building, or was it the Gods holiday homes. Never mind it was lovely..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
scribbler
Thu, 2015-10-08 14:56
Hi Ian
Second prize is an all expense paid trip to Syria (expense paid by winner) lol. Always good to have you drop by......stan
author commentSparrow
Sat, 2015-10-10 19:01
Lovely
Can I take my Bren ?
I was a marksman with that little ole equaliser,
Mind you it's been a few years since I fired anything even pottery in anger lol.
The holiday will be acceptable, I will go to the Mediterranean coast I hear it is beaut and there are no Black flags just hammers and sickles, thank you my friend I shall send a post card,
Yours Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
scribbler
Sat, 2015-10-10 19:55
holler
if you get in trouble. I'll stand around and say "Tsk,tsk he should have known better"lol
author commentSparrow
Sun, 2015-10-11 04:09
Stan
J S Here let me make it clear
I have decided to send Digit,
he has according to him
returned from Oklahoma car show
and needs something exciting to do.
He asked advise about what colour
tea towel he should wear on his head
Just a precaution he said
Better to be wise than dead.
He sends his regards to you
Loves Route 66
where he has been up to his old tricks
Take care out there, Yours Jack
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
Esker
Thu, 2015-10-08 11:38
perception of mood
and lighting is key...time of day..seasonal
clarity or mist...haze through atmospheric
...It is magic..because of the strength of
its impact an importance as humans see
the changes...our old instincts and intuitions
let us reflect on the days of respite
before the November storms....October
winds....
"Squinting sun" like this use of personification
"then my thoughts can freely roam"
this line caught me off guard!
a developing new poem idea I dont think Ive
seen or missed in your previous poems
all works well...
looking for words to add....
but cant find any
I greatly very much like this!!
thank u!
scribbler
Thu, 2015-10-08 14:58
hello!
I thinks it's great that writers with such a wide difference in styles can still think highly of one another's works. Thanks for the visit..........stan
author commentalidzain
Thu, 2015-10-08 13:19
Stan
you, like jayne and a few others, are the ones I truly admire. This piece is a testament to your skill.
Alid
scribbler
Thu, 2015-10-08 15:01
Hi Alid
I first came here pretty raw then I started reading others here and getting good advice from others who were more than willing to help a stumbling beginner. Sound familiar? lol. Placing me and my rhymes on the same level as Jayne and her free verse is praise indeed. Thank you.............stan
author commentGeezer
Fri, 2015-10-09 17:30
Yes...
the shift from night to day or day to night, is a magic time. I particularly liked the personification of the sun too! This makes one think that we are not so far from nature, no matter if we are sitting at home or out in the wood. As always, the theme is one that I like and the scene flows well. The language was plain and simple, but effective and the beginning and end tied together well. ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Fri, 2015-10-09 22:26
Hi Geez
Being a plain simple guy I guess plain language works best for me. glad you liked the sun squinting as well as the connection to nature. i appreciate the visit.............stan
author commentEsker
Sat, 2015-10-10 08:10
it goes like this..
anyone that can write like this is made of more then plain and or simple..
Writing about what one can say is a simple and plain thing in this deep a
manner and convey it with relative ease is a great skill.
tis my story and Im a sticking too it!
scribbler
Sat, 2015-10-10 09:18
Hi
I guess this must be at least above average to rate a second visit. Thanks for kind words........stan
author commentEsker
Sat, 2015-10-10 22:37
yes Stan...
because.....You as a writer are above average.....
and you are right...you and I have completely different
styles..
I like Loretta Lynn and george jones and Johhny cash
and the carter sisters.....
but I like punk and eletronic danse too
and Im fifty...
and I used to walk i the woods a lot
and there are those moments in the woods
when it just occurs
the zen like moments
that you share always
you physically were hunting
but what you share here
is the results of hunting
and people need this too
survive in their soul as much
as food...
and storytelling was looked
upon as a gift in the american
midwest......those whom would
go forward to defend or defer
any kind of hostility up into
the peoples land
very good...I Like it!
scribbler
Sun, 2015-10-11 10:19
poetry
like any other kind of writing would become boring quickly if it was all done in one style. Indeed. i suspect part of the rise of free verse was due to some writers becoming bored with rhymes and structure restrictions. Conversely the thing, i think which keeps classic poetry alive is the rebellion against bad free verse which even most non-poets easily recognize as being nothing more than chopped prose. So it takes Good writers of both to keep things going and I truly believe it is those who can write well in both who are beginning to fuel the coming revolution in poetry....a combination of the best of traditional and free verse. I foresee a form which uses limited structure and some rhyme which makes remembering a poem easier and the freedom to Break rhyme and structure as needed in order to more clearly convey or understand the message. Being almost 62, I'll not live to see if my prediction is on the money, but once in a while I see this new form starting to appear both here and on other sites. And I doubt the writers are doing it on purpose......yet lol.............stan PS you, just being 50 might well be a part of this revolution were you to play with it a bit
author commentscribbler
Sun, 2015-10-11 10:22
sorry
double post
author commentGeezer
Tue, 2015-10-13 21:35
I do believe...
that you will live to see it! it is becoming more of the norm; to write as you said. ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Wed, 2015-10-14 09:46
I hope
you are right. Though there might be other who don't lol........stan
author commentEumolpus
Thu, 2018-09-13 21:15
your poem
I like very much the first 2 stanzas. The imagery works very well, and the choice of words to build the atmosphere. The opening stanza is stellar.
I would indeed cut out the entire 3rd stanza.
For this is that magic time of change,
not quite day and not quite night,
a time a lot of folks think strange
when, somehow, all the rules take flight.
In the first two lines you are telling, not suggesting, and it is redundant. We are already there. I do not know why "a lot of folks" think this magical time, twilight or the predawn, is "strange" other than magical. I do not know what "rules" are taking flight.
I feel the next stanza could be improved, focusing on the freedom of thought this time gives you, the release of the weight of age or pain. It lacks the magic of the first 2 stanzas. Again you are telling all. I would focus on the thoughts freely roaming, the imagination, that this time inspires, perhaps suggesting one or two to inspire the reader's imagination with the same intensity as the theme.
I am sad to hear your knee is still recovering. Scares the hell out of me as I am a lot older than you and will be doing that one in a few years. I have ankle surgery in two weeks to repair a ripped tendon. so the fun begins. Also, I hope you are nowhere near Florence, hitting your state right now.
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
scribbler
Thu, 2018-09-13 22:48
greetings
Always a bit surprised when an edit of an old poem brings comments. And i appreciate your ideas. As this shows I go back and edit a lot of even old stuff so your ideas may well lead to another few changes later. As to my knee. I have pretty much recovered from first replacement which occured i December of 2016. I'm still a way off in full recovery from second knee replacement which took place April 23 of this year. You can count on about a full year for knees to get back to normal and they will likely Not allow you to run any marathons lol......stan BTW Florence is predicted to hit almost on top of me but I' am located far enough inland to get mainly heavy rain.
author commentalidzain
Wed, 2018-10-03 07:17
Hi Stan
Just coming back to review your works. I've tried but it seems like me and rhymes just don't work (lol). Besides I'm busy with my malay poetry nowadays. What can I say, I really admire how you do it so naturally. Kudis, Stan..
Alid
scribbler
Wed, 2018-10-03 09:55
Hi Alid
Isn't it strange how some have a hard time writing rhyme while other have a hard time writing free verse. You had to dig pretty deep to get to this one lol.......stan
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