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Garden of Eden
When I see
a tulip, a rose, in sunshine
I see
your lips, your blush, your eyes
A Lotus blooms,
I sense your awakening
I see
the ripples in a pond
and feel
your desire
In the breeze
I hear your whispers
in the rustle of leaves
your sighs
When I see
two swans necking in the pond
I am consumed
in our bliss
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
faerybeki
Fri, 2011-02-04 16:13
Hi Raj, I love your poem, as
Hi Raj, I love your poem, as Shirl says beautifully romantic. I think you could cut a few words maybe slim it down even further and loose some of the repetitions of 'when' and 'feel' perhaps? Eg.
When I see
a tulip, a rose, in sunshine
I see
your lips, your blush, your eyes
A Lotus blooms,
I sense your awakening
I see
the ripples in a pond
and feel
your desire
In the breeze
I hear your whispers
in the rustle of leaves
your sighs
I see
two swans necking in the pond
I am
consumed
in our bliss
not much of an edit I'm sure you'll agree! and just a few ideas for what is already undoubtedly a great poem :)
much love Beki xxx
'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)
raj
Fri, 2011-02-04 22:24
Dearest Shirl..
thank you for your comment ...happy to know you could inhale its essence...
much love..
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentraj
Fri, 2011-02-04 22:28
Hi Beki
very thankful to you for your time and appreciate the edit...i couldnt agree with you more and will get it spruced up.....
much love...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentfaerybeki
Sat, 2011-02-05 05:59
Hi Raj :) you're welcome.
Hi Raj :) you're welcome. glad some of the suggestions were useful, also think the title works better now too :) still a wonderful poem, enjoyed another read this morning, much love Beki xxx
'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)
raj
Sat, 2011-02-05 14:26
Dear Beki..
thats what is so wonderful about Neopoet where folks help each other with their suggestions like you have done ...
much love...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentraj
Sat, 2011-02-05 14:28
Dearest Shirl..
really thankful for the heaps of your encouraging comments and compliments...i am humbled...
much love...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentraj
Mon, 2011-02-21 13:36
Dearest JayCee
i know you have been keeping out of Neopoet for brief spells owing to health issues...hope all is well now...
i truly appreciate your visit ..your read and encouraging comment...which is highly appreciated...
much love always...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentKailashana2
Mon, 2011-02-21 15:23
the end:
the end:
We are consumed in bliss.
~A
loved
Mon, 2011-02-21 15:49
WE SHOULD NOT GO LOOSE OR ELSE WE MAY AT THE END LOSE
We Shouldn’t Go Loose, Else We’ll Lose
Your comparison
Of the modalities of blissful love
To the changing seasonal flowers,
Is a wondrous thought...?
If you permit me to say,
The lips match the tulip,
The sunrise the eyes
What a surprise,
The blush of a rose
I once thought
Was only my repose
But the budding lotus
Takes my heart away,
The dew drops
Remind me of the final moments
Of lover’s play
You so vividly your ecstasy display
Blessed is the one, who came,
Below your soft weight
Albeit!
loved