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I Missed Them All Today

Submitted by Timbo on Mon, 2011-10-10 11:48

I missed my wife today
while she had to be away.
Realised how lonely I’d be
if she wasn’t here with me.

Without her love and smile
life wouldn’t be worthwhile
I missed my wife today.

I missed my children today
seeing them happily at play.
Sunny days and ice creams
bedtime stories before dreams.

They’ve grown and moved on
now my little ones are gone.
I missed my children today.

I missed my father today
working Monday to Friday.
Taking us out on Saturday.
preaching in church on Sunday.

Taken from us far too young
long before his life was done.
I missed my father today.

I missed my mother today
busily getting through the day.
Dinner cooking, smelling good
afternoon read when she could.

Never a moan, often a smile
looking after us, all the while.
I missed my mother today.

I missed them all today.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

judyanne

Sat, 2011-10-15 04:59

judyanne's picture
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i feel it is more song lyrics?
if so then ok with the repetition
- if not, the many 'i missed' detracts from the rest of the write
- which in itself reflects the melanchoic mood or the narrator very well

- great rhyming

i can't really say much more
- as poet, i wouuld like to see different ways of saying the 'i missed'
- as a non-song writer i have no idea if it works really... but i think it dioes :)
love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Timbo

Sun, 2011-10-16 07:49

Timbo's picture

Thank you Judy, well I would love a number of my writes to be songs, but I can't sing or write music, so I'll just have to stick to them being poems. Never mind.
take care,
Tim

author comment

magics02

Sun, 2011-10-16 14:08

I hear this poem and I can relate to it as well. Good job old friend and hope all is well by you.

Ms Mona

Timbo

Mon, 2011-10-17 04:41

Timbo's picture

Thank you Mona, I'm fine and I hope you and yours are too. it's nice to hear from you again.
take care,
Tim

author comment

Rula

Sat, 2016-01-09 08:37

Rula's picture
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I liked the repetition. It easily reflects the mood.
I would suggest reunite the stanzas about each person. I see no need really to have a space and play a little with the ending full stops. Please let me know if I need to explain this.

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Timbo

Tue, 2016-01-12 07:22

Timbo's picture

Thanks for the feedback,
Tim

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